I am not sure whether to convert this blog into a plog or to keep it as a blog. When did blogging become an art form?
Every time I think of my blog I feel the need to tweak or change my theme. It’s a terrible disease. Even as I type, I have at least 10 windows open on new WordPress Themes. I am never happy with my blog because I feel it doesn’t live up to what it should be. What is it exactly? Is it personal? Is it impersonal? I cannot make up my mind. Should I only have serious posts… I don’t know. Not only that but strangely in the past week alone, I have had at least 3 people rocking up to me asking me about my blog or wordpress. Perhaps, it is a sign.
I am writing here because I have done it. It here would be referring to Twitter. Clearly, this was what drew me away from my blog in the first place. I can’t help it though. Twitter is so appealing and addictive with its 140 characters limit. Who knew we could get hooked on short messaging? To the extent that I found blogging tedious and I couldn’t say what I wanted just because I had read posts that said blogs should be like this or that. Not that I can say anything I like on Twitter either. There are eyes out there… EYES!
Anyway, I have decided to stop twittering for the next 11 days. It was a tough decision, one that was painfully hard to make considering how I check it in the morning when I wake up, how I leave it on and refresh it during work and how I come home and see what’s happening right until bedtime. It’s like ripping a vital organ out of me. How am I going to function? Ok, a mere exaggeration…
I haven’t drawn the rules yet but I’m guessing besides not posting on Twitter (although I have left a disclaimer that said I might for important tweets i.e. Mariah Carey’s birthday for example) I will have to decide whether I can log in and check out what’s happening. I should lay it out now…
The Rules for the Next 11 Twitter-Less Days
1. No tweeting unless absolutely necessary (re: MC’s birthday)
2. No logging in to Twitter unless absolutely necessary (re: MC’s birthday)
3. I can check individual Twitter pages (re: @MariahCarey @LindsayLohan)
I can’t think of anymore. Am I missing out on anything? I am thinking I can do this and live without Twitter since I have been on two holidays recently which totaled 8 days without the Internet so what is 11 days, right? Wrong. It will be so difficult because this time I will be here with my face plastered to computer screens 24/7. What am I to do, what am I to do?
What made me decide to give Twitter up for 11 days? Here is the holy answer: As it is the season of Lent, I decided I should try and respect it for the first time in my life. Sure I’ve missed the first 29 days but better late than never, right?
Why you might ask? What brought this on? Have I converted to Catholicism?
No, I haven’t converted to Catholicism. Before I continue, I should clarify that I am not suggesting that I am this holy person. Far from it. When I mentioned my self-imposed hiatus on Twitter, I made it a point not to announce that I will be back “after Easter” with much difficulty. My pride got the better of me when I boasted to one or two friends that they’ll see me “back on Twitter after Easter” though. I was even thinking maybe I should mention April 4, 2010 (Easter Day) but then stopped myself. Told you I couldn’t resist announcing my good deed. Ugh.
Because in all honesty, I consider myself more selfish than humble. I hate myself that over the last few months I have neglected God and my relationship with Him. After all I said at New Years’, I made no effort to draw closer to Him, in fact, I have drifted further. Sinning comes so naturally now that I have difficulty differentiating and knowing whether what I am doing is wrong or right. Not only that, I choose at times to justify my actions. True, there are moments when I shouldn’t feel all guilty but if I loved God I wouldn’t even consider doing it in the first place would I?
But here is the un-holy answer: Twitter produces so much noise. It is distracting yet appealing. Recently however, I think it started some time mid-February, I got myself hooked on someone’s Twitter page. The thing is however, it’s not really their fault unless they led me on which I don’t think they did. I led myself on. We had this moment when something was left unsaid and I made up what might have been said.
So much so that I imagined they were talking to me through their tweets yet I knew at times they were not. It was confusing and it hurt. I thought they liked me. It became this ugly monster and Twitter became scary. It was like a melting pot of emotions every time I logged in. It became a dangerous obsession that I started not to like because I was being delusional. Why? Well, aside from being indirect and vague about everything, I started to sound like a lovesick jealous person on Twitter which would be ok if that person shared the same sentiments. But they don’t because I imagined it. Did I crave this person’s attention? Yes. Did I want them all for myself? Yes. But what I have now is this … based on nothing.
I think I created this being in my mind, one that felt a certain way about me via their Twitter page and I bombarded that image with what I perceived. It was an illusion and a mirage. It wasn’t real. It’s quite a sickening and maddening disease, I must admit. The last few days, I felt quite crazy to the point that I thought if there ever was a rehab clinic I could enter for such psychological madness, I’d like to check myself in immediately. Clearly, I wasn’t liking it.
So here I am using the Lord’s name in vain to justify my leave of absence from Twitter. Well it’s probably a mixture of the two, holy and unholy. I almost had a Twitter meltdown since this was a dragged out affair for the last 6 weeks or so and it was reaching a point of no return. Perhaps it has reached the point of no return.
At the same time, it dawned on me that Easter was fast approaching and how I felt zilch for what Jesus Christ did for me on that cross. I felt empty and unhappy. I felt unfulfilled and sad. I felt hopeless, dejected and rejected. I felt crazy. I felt God-less. What a precarious position to be in!
So after much internal arguing and reasoning, I realised I had to take that drastic step. To draw myself away from Twitter and hopefully, reconnect with God on some level. Both are difficult things to do since I am feeling unfocused and fuzzy.
I have to thank God for coming down to my level every time though… I was thinking at first to quit / fast Twitter 7 days before Easter but I thought maybe it would be best to start now. It is truly difficult. I read a website today that said we shouldn’t give up for Lent but for me, if I don’t fast from Twitter, God’s going to be relegated to a corner. I am not saying that I am now going to be studying His word for the next 11 days. I don’t know if I have the strength and will power to do so. But maybe it will give me more time to reflect on other things besides this delusional character in my head.
Maybe staying away from Twitter will allow me to hear from God.
Today I did the 7 Stations at the Cross at church. Just a few points – I couldn’t concentrate very much even though it tried very hard to be this Easter experience. It was my fault though since I had just made the Twitter announcement and was overwhelmed with my actions. Anyway, the point is, I did feel myself overcome with tears initially but that dried up rather quickly once I started the experience. A few things to note:-
- Jesus Christ knew what Judas was going to do. Judas knew He was going to betray Jesus Christ. Yet Judas still ate the bread and drank from the cup. In other words, Jesus Christ made a covenant with Judas too. In other words, new life had been granted to a traitor. Jesus Christ really gave Himself to everybody
- I read earlier during the day that the guards who arrested Jesus fell down when He said he was who he was. I thought that was interesting because they realised maybe, for a second, He was God.
- When Jesus Christ told Peter to put his sword away and that he had chosen the cup that God the Father had given him, it dawned on me how difficult it was to drink that cup. The cup and sharing it symbolizes a covenant that Jesus accepted willingly. In other words, he wasn’t going to put up a fight. Instead, he was going to accept his fate and suffer on that cross for our sake. Wow.
- Even during all the reflection, I didn’t feel connected and I still thought of other people rather than myself. I thought, “well, I wished this person was doing the 7 stations.. it’d be good for them,” or I was requesting and telling God other things rather than what was at hand.
- The good news however, I was able to drive that imaginary being out of my head and I could focus long enough.
- Pilate didn’t really think Jesus was delusional. If I heard someone claiming however confidently that they were King, I’d think that person was mad.
- If Jesus did all that for me who was I to hold grudges against anybody else? I can forgive but it doesn’t mean I can’t stay away though.
- Jesus was verbally abused and hated on when the crowd and the Jewish leaders wanted to crucify him.
I can’t remember anything else. I’d whip out the booklet where I wrote stuff on but we were made to take out a rock from smelly water and the water touched the booklet so I am not going to it refer to it now. I might get my hands soiled. Bad idea. Plus, it is 2:20am. Time for bed… eep. Hope I didn’t bore you.
Simple, straightforward, to the point. 
It is tough. Some times I forget it exists. Other times, I have my mouse hovering over the bookmark. Tough stuff.