I wanted to write this yesterday but was caught up with something else. It doesn’t matter though. It is ok to write this today because it has been exactly one month since I left for Summer School.

It has been OK so far. God has been with me and He’s propped me up thus far. I am learning in my classes and it has been interesting.

About a week ago, I’ve felt slight drops in my happiness levels. I am not sure what attributed to them but it is probably a host of things. Yesterday though, I was feeling slightly sorry for myself and was in a contemplative mode for most of the day.

Let me begin by saying that God’s been with me even though I haven’t been all that on point with Him. As always. It is so easy to live a life devoid of God. You live in your own world, surrounded by the noise of this world that you are distracted, forgetting God. God does not forget. In my previous post, I mentioned that I believe God led me here. Little did I know God would confirm that on the 2nd day at Harvard. On Sunday, July 19, I wandered the streets of Cambridge to find a church I could go to. I only found a Catholic Mass that was mid way through. I sat through it all, amazed at the procession, the choir, the organ, the robes, the Communion, everythinng basically. I didn’t know what was going but it was just… an experience.

I went for lunch after and at lunch, two girls sat with me and we started talking. I found out they were staying at my dorms and after lunch I accompanied one of them on a campus tour. We talked all the way around the campus and she hesitantly enquired about the cross I was wearing. When she first asked, I didn’t know quite what to say but that it was made of white gold.

I did say though I was a Christian and she became quite excited saying she had been praying for Christian friends and she met two so far. I thought that was cool although I was humbled by God because He thought I was ‘Christian’ enough for someone to pray for and meet. I totally didn’t believe it but that night, I received an email from a close friend whom I had relayed my whole ‘I believe God sent me to Harvard’ ish but not only that, she is a friend that I talk most things spiritual with. I took that as an affirmation from God that my time here in Harvard would be blessed and it has been immeasurably.

So I pottered about for a couple of weeks, doing some tourist-y things but my enthusiasm started to wane as stated and I knew it but didn’t think much of it. It could have been a culmination of a few things like mid terms, weather, assignments and just general irritable things. Yet last week, God proved His goodness when I scored unbelievably well for a mid term and an assignment.

It was Thursday, July 15 and I spotted a rainbow that evening since it had been drizzling for most of the day. It left the night cold and breezy. I sat outside in my courtyard and looked around me and thought how beautiful it was. I thought of the phrase ‘God of the Universe’ and thought it was a song. I came back to my room and youtube-d it rather than google-d it. Strangely. When nothing came up for ‘God of the Universe’ I thought it must have been a Hillsong song and put that together with my search and ‘Centre of my Life’ was the first in the list. I thought maybe God might want me to listen to that but of course, doubted that thought but when I heard the first few piano chords, I KNEW it had to be Spirit inspired.

I listened to the song and thought the words were just so relevant and I was moved. I really wanted to proclaim the words of the song. I was surprised by all of this. Hillsong in my opinion had become noisy music rather than worship song but this song, was relatively new but just … speaking exactly what I wanted to say. It’s been on repeat ever since.

I went through Friday not doing much and by Saturday, I was feeling slightly sorry for myself. I was going through my Facebook and a pastor had liked a link. I clicked on it ‘cos it had the word ‘tv’ in it and that’s how I stumbled on Jaeson Ma’s Only Love Rally in Malaysia. It all started from that. I spent my time listening to his sermons and it was as if the heaven’s had affirmed something I had said many years ago.

Many years ago, I remember I mentioned that I had a heart for celebrities. I wanted them to be saved or to have a heart for God and to mention it in some way. To me, that was one way of spreading the message of God. In a way, I have always believed they had a role to play. Hence why Mariah Carey during her Emancipation of Mimi period made me like her even more. It was having a faith based message and promoting that.

People thought me strange of course, but now, listening to Jaeson Ma, I knew I was on the right track. I could even say that it was a vision placed in me so long ago. I listened to youtube videos of Jaeson Mam his song, his new docu movie about Christianity in Asia and his story of an actor who turned back to God and eventually made and starred in a film that won at the Toronto Film Festival. It is understanding the power of the media and the voice it has to reach the masses with a message of hope, faith and love.

I’m excited and I spend hours just listening to what Jaeson has to say and also listening to Nick Vujicic’s testimony. I’m really excited ‘cos I might just get to see him when I go home since he’s visiting Malaysia. The message of prayer and obeing is very strong. We need to realise that as Christians, our lives shouldn’t offend God and that we have hope no matter how things seem.

Little did I realise that all this happened a month after arriving in Boston. Exactly a month. Stumbling on someone who speaks my language about faith is not by fluke. It’s not by coincidence. I’m not sure what to make of it yet but to thank God. I really wanted to attend church to kind of celebrate my one month in Boston but I didn’t wake up for it. It upsets me but oh well… what to do? I know God is with me.

It’s cool that Jaeson has done a documentary on Christianity in Asia too. Something else that I think about often.

Happy Father’s Day, Papa!

What a strange few weeks. It is a surreal experience but I am now at the Harvard University campus in Cambridge. I am doing a 7 week summer school course.

I can’t quite get my head around it all still but I am here.

I remember when I first attended university back in 2001, I asked my dad to come along with me. He helped me check in and then we re-arranged his flight schedule so he could leave earlier since there was nothing for him to do after I got into my residential hall. He bought me two peaches and we kind of just chilled around the city. I remember quite clearly the awful taxi driver that took us from the airport to our hotel ‘cos he was smoking with the window open and all the ashes was flying into my face. My dad told him to stop it. That was also the time I had the worst flying experience since my head felt like it was going to explode because of the pressure. My dad didn’t know though. But that morning when we touched down, he made me go do my university ID and I looked a mess since I hadn’t slept and was all puffy eyed and tired from the plane pressure. I had to have that university ID for 3 years.

Now, many years later, I am on a campus again and this time I had to do things myself. I thought of my dad a lot in the past few weeks and what he would have thought if he was around. I think he would have been awfully proud with the idea of me at Harvard University.

I didn’t tell many people about my application to summer school until I was certain I had gotten everything done. I had to do most of the things on my own. If my dad was around, I’m sure he would have helped me get all my visas and stuff.

I decided some time in late March during my Twitter fast to apply. I would like to think it is by divine revelation and God can strike me down if I am wrong but it really feels like it. But then again, God’s name is used in vain so often these days, it is hard to know, right? You should read my previous posts to get an idea of what I mean. I did allude to my application. My head was so clear headed then and I wasn’t distracted.

I got some messages from family who were a bit sad since it was father’s day and all. I understand completely ‘cos my father was in my mind a lot the last few weeks too and I was quite upset I didn’t get to visit him before coming here. I meant to but time didn’t permit.

School properly starts tomorrow. I will update more about that but for now, I want to dedicate this trip to my dad.

Over the weekend, I and a few others headed over the hills to, initially as we thought, learn more about God. Instead, it became a journey of REST. A time to Reflect, Energise, Savour and Trust.

It was unexpected yet necessary; the timing was perfect for me. After my 11 day Twitter fast, this weekend getaway was a treat, an added bonus to spend more time with God and to discern the presence of the Holy Spirit. It was an affirmation of what God had said over the course of my Twitter fast, the idea of Sabbath which is almost like a fast and the idea that God made things good. I do believe that is not a coincidence.

We looked at Luke 24:13-35, “On the Road to Emmaus” where Jesus Christ, after having just resurrected, spends quality time with two of his followers.

We were given a crash course on how to converse and to listen but more, to listen. We were quietened down and made to have moments of silence, where interaction with one another was kept to a minimum and instead, we spent that time recuperating from the ravishing noise of city life.

In those moments, we were asked to be sensitive to the things around us and to what we were feeling. We had to be still and to remove all distractions so that we could maybe, hear from God.

We went outdoors to admire and savour God’s creation and to remind ourselves that everything for all intents and purposes was made for good and not for evil.

During this time, we were made to keep a grand silence, we did not talk to one another at all and we were asked also to seek out a tree and see what God had to say to us during this time in solitude.

I was skeptical that God would speak to me during my walk. I took a few photos, admiring nature and sauntering along the roads aimlessly when I saw a plant that seemed to jut out from its place on the garden wall. Its branches stood out, hovering over the road, almost like a shelter. I thought that a bit odd and walked on. I started noticing that a lot of plants or small trees stuck out in this manner, almost like an awning.

I recalled something I had heard earlier in the week but I couldn’t place my finger on it. It was about a tree that provided a shade for someone and it grew to cover and protect him. I thought for a bit and it finally, came to me – Anne Rice’s Christ is Lord: Out of Egypt. Joseph was relaying the story of Jonah to his family. In the story, God grew a tree to provide protection from the sun for Jonah.

It was a lightbulb moment and I decided to head back to read Jonah since I was curious whether I got the story right. I went back and read Jonah, luckily it was only 4 chapters but it was really interesting.

Jonah is almost like us in the way he faced his troubles. God asked him to do something and he runs the other direction. Jonah gets into a storm and even though he knows he is the one causing the storm, he ignores it. The people around him are caught in this storm too and even though Jonah tells them that God is probably trying to send him a message through this storm and the best thing they can do is throw him overboard.

They don’t listen to him and try to do things their way. That doesn’t work so as a last resort, they pray for forgiveness before chucking Jonah out of the boat. Once they do, the storm stops instantly and they are so amazed that they vow to serve this God that is powerful enough to stop the storm.

Jonah is swallowed by a whale (the famous part of the story) and in the whale’s belly, he says a prayer. The prayer sounds so modern, I was stunned for a moment. Basically through all he’d gone through, he could still praise and thank God and understand that his salvation comes from the Lord alone. It is an amazing prayer.

On a side note, I commented during the retreat how when we were little we read the Old Testament but when we grow up, we look at the New Testament. To learn life’s lessons, we should really refer to the books in the Old Testament more. I mean, look at Jonah’s story!

Ok, back to Jonah. So, God gets the whale to spit him out and he directs Jonah a 2nd time to tell the city of Nineveh that they would be destroyed. This time, Jonah listens and tells the people of Nineveh what is to happen. The people in Nineveh repent and mourn. Even the king, the wise king, wears mourning clothes and issues a decree to the whole city in the hopes that they might maybe, move God to change His mind.

And guess what? YES! God changes his mind and doesn’t destroy Nineveh. Jonah is pissed ‘cos God backtracked and had mercy and compassion on Nineveh. Jonah is quite a drama queen. God asks him if he has a right to be angry.

Anyway, Jonah walks off in a huff, finds a spot east of the city to see what happens and during that time,

And the Lord God arranged for a leafy plant to grow there, and soon it spread its broad leaves over Jonah’s head, shading him from the sun. This eased his discomfort, and Jonah was very grateful for the plant. – Jonah 4:6 [NLT]

Not so fast ‘cos God creates a worm to destroy the plant soon after and again Jonah throws a tantrum. God again asks him if he has a right to be angry.

So God points out if Jonah can be upset over a plant, what more God over Nineveh, a city with 120,000 living in spiritual darkness, imagine how much He cares for them. The end.

An amazing story. I really cannot believe what a gem of a story it is. I never knew about the leafy plant until Anne Rice’s Christ is Lord book. It is a story that we can relate to.

We rebel against God and when we go through tough times we turn back to Him. He delivers us and we praise Him and love Him for doing so. He takes this opportunity to get us to do things and when the outcome is not what we expect, we find offense. And God is right. What right do we have to be angry? If God makes a u-turn decision, if things don’t go the way we thought it would, it is not up to us at all. It is all up to God.

Not only that, in the Jonah story it shows that with the right heart and prayer before God, we can move Him enough to change His decision. Therefore, he does consider our opnion but only if we are sincere and truly repentant like the people and king of Nineveh. It shows that He cares.

Actually, through one man’s rebellion and return to God, along the way, God used Jonah unknowingly to bring people out of spiritual darkness – the superstitious people on the boat and the people of Nineveh.

The story also shows God’s unfailing love for His people. Personally, if I were God, I would have used someone other than Jonah the drama queen but God uses Jonah. Even Jonah can praise and thank God in the whale’s belly for saving him yet when God saves Nineveh he gets angry. Jonah should have been happy for the people! But oh well… but we are like that too, right? Selfish at times…

It was such an interesting story to read and learn of during my grand silence. I felt God really directing and enlightening me to read this story, especially the part where the plant grows to offer shade. It is almost like a protection, a shield, a covering… You feel comfortable under it, you feel safe, you feel peaceful.

In the same way, that is what God’s love is for me. So even though I didn’t find a tree that called out to me, I believe the Holy Spirit assured me the power of His love. The rest I will feel in His love.

I am shaking my head in awe right now. God is good.

Our facilitator commented at the start of the retreat that because we took the first step, our time would be blessed. On hindsight, that is really true. God blessed us. Y’know, he commented that he didn’t mean to say that but it must have been Spirit led. Indeed.

In our last bible study before Easter and the camp, we were looking at Luke 18:31-34 [NLT] where Jesus predicts his death.

The disciples did not understand any of this. Its meaning was hidden from them, and they did not know what he was talking about. – Luke 18:34

We focused on this last verse. We discussed it and then looked at 1 Corinthians 2 where it said in verse 10,

But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets.

In other words, there may come times when things do not make sense to us, when we are blinded on purpose by God and when He decides to keep us in the dark. Then there are times when the Spirit will reveal things to us and open our eyes. Look at Jonah and the people of Nineveh. Look at the disciples who only later understood what Jesus was predicting about his death. Look at the two who were on their way to Emmaus.

In Luke 24:15-16 [NLT] it says,

As they talked and discussed these things, Jesus himself suddenly came and began walking with them. But God kept them from recognizing him.

He asks them what was bothering them and they talk of all that had happened the last few days. i.e. Jesus’ death and everything.

So Jesus calls them foolish because of their unbelief and then starts to give them, as our facilitator said, what would have been the most interesting bible study ever as Jesus himself relays what the prophets had predicted of His death and resurrection.

So they get to their destination, beg Jesus to stay with them and as Jesus blesses the bread and breaks it,

Suddenly, their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. And at that moment he disappeared! – Luke 24:31 [NLT]

In other words, it is like a spiritual awakening. In 1 Corinthians 2:14 [NLT], it says,

But people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means.

Maybe this best describes the last few weeks for me. A kind of spiritual discernment in many things. Genesis, the Covenant, Sabbath, … they are all intertwined and I guess it has never resonated so loudly until now.

We were told the importance of the Sabbath. The weekend for us was a time away from the hustle and bustle of our life, we had to put aside work and focus on time alone with God. Jesus spent time resting as well. He spent time away from the crowds and his disciples. He spent time alone. He slept quite a lot actually. We are meant to imitate that. Remember God himself, after creating everything, rested.

And God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy, because it was the day when he rested from all his work of creation. – Genesis 2:3 [NLT]

So we had a Sabbath bag to store things that reminded us or tempted us to work over the weekend. It was optional but most of us obediently put our things in. I guess we treasured our time with God more. Our facilitator commented about us being quite a unique bunch. The people he had tried this with before, mind you were much older, but could not sacrifice as easily. I’m not bragging, I’m just saying.

We partook in the Holy Communion, a different version from what we are used to. We looked at some liturgy, in particular, the Examen of Consciousness. A prayer format we may be familiar with but still, good to be reminded of.

Strangely, the phrase “fullness of joy” just struck me while writing the rest of this post so I looked it up and straightaway found,

You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. – Psalm 16:11 [NKJV]

Wow. Stunned. Again. Speechless. Again. In awe. Again.

And this was the first verse I saw on this page,

And He said, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” – Exodus 33:14 [NKJV]

We were taught at the retreat that we are never alone. Like the two followers that Jesus walked with on the way to Emmaus, He is alive today and He walks alongside us. In our conversation with others, with ourselves and with Him, we can count on Him.

For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” – Matthew 18:20 [NLT]

Most of the time however, we are oblivious. Maybe because we are so caught up with our own things. So we must be consciously aware. It is difficult. But if we rest enough, in God most importantly, we hear Him. We see Him. Amen.

You know, when I read Luke 24:13-35 at the start of the retreat, it struck me that Jesus took time to walk with two of his followers and not his disciples.

Our facilitator brought up how privileged they were. After all that Jesus had gone through, suffered, died, gone to Hades and back, risen up, etc he could have been anywhere else but he chose to walk with these two men to explain the prophecies that predicted His glory. He even had time to eat with them… I mean… Jesus has time for everyone… commoners like you and me.

I came back from work yesterday and while settling down, a phrase came to me… “And God saw that it was good.” A very popular phrase said in Genesis 1.

To sum it all up, Genesis 1:31 in the NLT says,

Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day.

I think it was over the last week that I came across someone who had said that God had created this world good. He was pleased with what He had made.

I’m not sure where I am supposed to go with that statement. I shall leave it.

I wanted to say that I stumbled on Martin Sapp’s The Best in Me yesterday as well. A simple yet powerful gospel song.

He saw the best in me,
when everyone else around me,
could only see the worst in me.

He’s mine and I’m his,
it doesn’t matter what I did.
He only sees me for who I am.

He saw the best in me,
when everyone else around me
could only see the worst in me.

He saw the best

The best

He saw the best in me

He’s mine and I’m his,
it doesn’t matter what I did.
He only sees me for who I am.

4/4/10 Edit: I wanted to say the song above reminded me of my Twittered Out Day 7 post because Martin sings “He’s mine and I am His…” Wow.

So it is finally Good Friday. I have two more days till my Twitter fast is over. I remember at the beginning of my fast, I stumbled (yes, I stumble a lot) on a great article called “On Self-Denial” by Charles G. Finney. It was written in April 27, 1859 yet it is easy to understand and so applicable even now.

I did the 7 Stations of the Cross with my church last week. Interestingly today, I stumbled on internetmonk.com’s own 11 Stations of the Cross.

- Stations of the Cross: The First Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Second Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Third Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Fourth Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Fifth Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Sixth Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Seventh Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Eighth Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Ninth Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Tenth Station
- Stations of the Cross: The Eleventh Station

I didn’t know people did these Stations of the Cross. *shrugs*

So to end, I will post up a song that really touched me this week. It is called “At the Foot of the Cross”. My heart melted when I heard this song…

They were watching from a distance
And they could not
Take their eyes from You
You were bleeding
They were weeping
Faithful sisters, they had followed you
They did not understand
They could not see
They were mourning their loss
As the sky turned black
And the Earth turned red
At the foot of the cross

He was standing near your mother
They were so close
They could hear you sighing
All around them angry voices
Pierced the darkness
And you were dying
But they would not leave
They lingered there
No matter the cost
They were staying
And they were praying
At the foot of the cross

Keep me near the cross
Near the cross
May I never stray so far
That I cannot see
What flowed down for me
At the foot of the cross

Now I’m standing in your presence
And I cannot take my eyes from you
You have risen I’m forgiven
Precious Saviour, oh I worship you
No I’m not looking back
I’ve heard your voice
And I’m staying here
I’ve made my choice
For now it’s real, now I kneel
At the foot of the cross

I ’stumbled’ on this via Facebook. My youth leader had posted up a different song from Ray Boltz called “Feel the Nails“. This song is just as amazing and touching but ‘At the Foot of the Cross’ is my Easter song.

Too many things to think about this Good Friday. What Jesus Christ did on that cross will forever shock us. The message of love.

I woke up 15 minutes ago humming “Trust and Obey”. I’m not sure what to make of this at all… But to thank Him and praise Him.

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Refrain:
Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

You deserve the glory
And the honor
Lord, we lift our hands in worship
As we lift your Holy name

For You are great
You do miracles so great
There is no one else like You
There is no one else like You

I love this song. Simple, straightforward, to the point.

Y’know, I am so flawed. It is not even funny how I stumble EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of my life. But I want to praise God and I won’t let guilt overpower me.

Yesterday was tough. Surprisingly, I didn’t wish Mariah Carey Happy Birthday on Twitter. I am so not a fan. Eep.

I try really hard not to tell people about people I know. Some times I do but I try not to because I fear they will make up their minds about these people. Hmm and that sucks because normally when I do say something it may be rather unpleasant. I just hope the people I tell are wise enough to know how to handle such things and realise these people aren’t one dimensional and don’t remember what I’ve said. Unfortunately, for the most part, they normally remember what I say. Why do people have good memory? I mean, I have bad memory. People tell me things and I forget it the next day…

Anyway, I am totally off topic. I have been distracted. Twitter has its allure and so many times I am tempted to see what people are doing. I have checked what Lindsay Lohan and Mariah Carey have been up to. They tweeted. Too bad, I can’t RT or respond. Tough tough tough.

I want to spend the rest of my time in prayerful meditation. *snickers* YEAH RIGHT. But I do want to focus on something that was said of my Twitter fast on Friday because the way I talk about it, I sure make myself sound like I am doing this BIG thing and I’m bragging about how tough it is and how I am doing it in the hope that I can spend more time with God.

But a friend and I were talking about what it meant for Jesus Christ to intercede on our behalf… like what does that mean exactly?

Who then will condemn us? No one–for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. – Romans 8:34 NLT

It never strikes us that Jesus Christ would do such a thing on our behalf. We think His purpose was only to die on that cross and to rise again. We never think He does more than that.

I keep thinking I have to approach God with my requests and I have to make time for God and if I were to go back to God it was because of me.

But my friend suggested rather simply what if Jesus Christ was the one that prayed on my behalf? What if He was the one that wanted me to spend time with Him, what if He was the one that actually took the first step?

Could it be that He had prompted the Holy Spirit to put it into my heart that I was spending way too much time on Twitter and it was reaching an unhealthy state since He never heard from me? Could it be that He felt I was drifting away?

Could it be that He told me to go on a Twitter fast and I agreed? In other words, the idea to put a stop to what I was allowing myself to get into was not my own but God’s. He gave me the choice to take up this step of faith and I took it. And could He have done all this through His mysterious power without letting it on that it was Him?

Most people don’t understand how Twitter can morph into this evil being but perhaps it is the demons that play tricks with me. Perhaps. And maybe God saved me from that.

Wow, it sure brings a whole new level of understanding to the situation. I can definitely praise God now if that were the case. It is so much easier to say I DID IT! I THOUGHT IT AND I DID IT! But what if it isn’t all about me? What if it is all about God? I remember in my first Twittered Out post I mentioned “I have to thank God for coming down to my level every time though…” and maybe HE REALLY DID. Wow. When I typed that out, I was uncertain but I left it there. Now with such a revelation that it isn’t all my doing it sure makes it a very appropriate sentence.

The friend also said that ‘there’s an abundance of His grace in your life” and it was awesome. In my opinion, that made no sense! All these big words bantered about, I don’t get it. What does that mean, ‘His grace in my life’? Although now that I am less distracted and can think coherently, grace means something undeserved yet given. Ok, that kind of makes sense… At the time, I was distracted so I wikipedia-ed it and the phrase “unmerited favour” popped up. In other words, God has a lot of love for me. Wow. Yeay!

Before I continue I must thank my Maker for loving me so dearly. I must thank Him for caring enough about me because without Him who would I be? Nothing. No one. I have to thank Him for always taking that first step. My friend was saying that we are all special in God’s eyes. There is no comparison. So you are special too.

Thinking back as I type, after my grandmother’s memorial service last weekend, my cousins were singing and playing a very awful version of Jesus Loves Me. Maybe that was when God spoke to me? Wow. Could it be? Jesus Loves Me is one of my favourite songs. I remember thinking how strange out of all the songs, they were singing this one. Albeit badly.

Hmm, even stranger still… I was asked to come up with a few songs to sing at the memorial service and since I was feeling empty and devoid of any feelings for God I just thought of a few songs about thanksgiving. It was all very practical and a kind of ‘let’s get this over and done with’ feeling but I was struck with one song – Above All.

When my cousin saw the songs I had chosen, she commented that she would like to sing Above All too. When my uncle saw our set list, he suggested other songs but left Above All on that. Wow. At the time, I was thinking Above All would be appropriate because Easter was just around the corner. Wow. WOW. The end of the chorus of Above All goes like this,

Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

Wow. And after that Sunday, roughly two days later, I took my Twitter fast. Wow. God did think of me. I selected that song unknowingly… I did everything unknowingly but God knew didn’t He? He really did! He really did take the first step. Thank you, Jesus Christ. Thank you Holy Spirit! Thank you Heavenly Father! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Wow.

PS: Jesus Christ was crucified during the Passover wasn’t He? I was at church today and the speaker was saying how Pilate (I keep calling him Pee-Latte .. apparently, it’s supposed to be pronounced Pilot) came to Jerusalem during the Passover to ensure the Jews were in order. So no wonder Jesus Christ was the Lamb that was sacrificed! WOW! The significance and timing of everything. Wow. Them Jews need to know Jesus Christ.

There was something else… but I forget now. ARgh.

I am not sure whether to convert this blog into a plog or to keep it as a blog. When did blogging become an art form?

Every time I think of my blog I feel the need to tweak or change my theme. It’s a terrible disease. Even as I type, I have at least 10 windows open on new WordPress Themes. I am never happy with my blog because I feel it doesn’t live up to what it should be. What is it exactly? Is it personal? Is it impersonal? I cannot make up my mind. Should I only have serious posts… I don’t know. Not only that but strangely in the past week alone, I have had at least 3 people rocking up to me asking me about my blog or wordpress. Perhaps, it is a sign.

I am writing here because I have done it. It here would be referring to Twitter. Clearly, this was what drew me away from my blog in the first place. I can’t help it though. Twitter is so appealing and addictive with its 140 characters limit. Who knew we could get hooked on short messaging? To the extent that I found blogging tedious and I couldn’t say what I wanted just because I had read posts that said blogs should be like this or that. Not that I can say anything I like on Twitter either. There are eyes out there… EYES!

Anyway, I have decided to stop twittering for the next 11 days. It was a tough decision, one that was painfully hard to make considering how I check it in the morning when I wake up, how I leave it on and refresh it during work and how I come home and see what’s happening right until bedtime. It’s like ripping a vital organ out of me. How am I going to function? Ok, a mere exaggeration…

I haven’t drawn the rules yet but I’m guessing besides not posting on Twitter (although I have left a disclaimer that said I might for important tweets i.e. Mariah Carey’s birthday for example) I will have to decide whether I can log in and check out what’s happening. I should lay it out now…

The Rules for the Next 11 Twitter-Less Days

1. No tweeting unless absolutely necessary (re: MC’s birthday)
2. No logging in to Twitter unless absolutely necessary (re: MC’s birthday)
3. I can check individual Twitter pages (re: @MariahCarey @LindsayLohan)

I can’t think of anymore. Am I missing out on anything? I am thinking I can do this and live without Twitter since I have been on two holidays recently which totaled 8 days without the Internet so what is 11 days, right? Wrong. It will be so difficult because this time I will be here with my face plastered to computer screens 24/7. What am I to do, what am I to do?

What made me decide to give Twitter up for 11 days? Here is the holy answer: As it is the season of Lent, I decided I should try and respect it for the first time in my life. Sure I’ve missed the first 29 days but better late than never, right?

Why you might ask? What brought this on? Have I converted to Catholicism?

No, I haven’t converted to Catholicism. Before I continue, I should clarify that I am not suggesting that I am this holy person. Far from it. When I mentioned my self-imposed hiatus on Twitter, I made it a point not to announce that I will be back “after Easter” with much difficulty. My pride got the better of me when I boasted to one or two friends that they’ll see me “back on Twitter after Easter” though. I was even thinking maybe I should mention April 4, 2010 (Easter Day) but then stopped myself. Told you I couldn’t resist announcing my good deed. Ugh.

Because in all honesty, I consider myself more selfish than humble. I hate myself that over the last few months I have neglected God and my relationship with Him. After all I said at New Years’, I made no effort to draw closer to Him, in fact, I have drifted further. Sinning comes so naturally now that I have difficulty differentiating and knowing whether what I am doing is wrong or right. Not only that, I choose at times to justify my actions. True, there are moments when I shouldn’t feel all guilty but if I loved God I wouldn’t even consider doing it in the first place would I?

But here is the un-holy answer: Twitter produces so much noise. It is distracting yet appealing. Recently however, I think it started some time mid-February, I got myself hooked on someone’s Twitter page. The thing is however, it’s not really their fault unless they led me on which I don’t think they did. I led myself on. We had this moment when something was left unsaid and I made up what might have been said.

So much so that I imagined they were talking to me through their tweets yet I knew at times they were not. It was confusing and it hurt. I thought they liked me. It became this ugly monster and Twitter became scary. It was like a melting pot of emotions every time I logged in. It became a dangerous obsession that I started not to like because I was being delusional. Why? Well, aside from being indirect and vague about everything, I started to sound like a lovesick jealous person on Twitter which would be ok if that person shared the same sentiments. But they don’t because I imagined it. Did I crave this person’s attention? Yes. Did I want them all for myself? Yes. But what I have now is this … based on nothing.

I think I created this being in my mind, one that felt a certain way about me via their Twitter page and I bombarded that image with what I perceived. It was an illusion and a mirage. It wasn’t real. It’s quite a sickening and maddening disease, I must admit. The last few days, I felt quite crazy to the point that I thought if there ever was a rehab clinic I could enter for such psychological madness, I’d like to check myself in immediately. Clearly, I wasn’t liking it.

So here I am using the Lord’s name in vain to justify my leave of absence from Twitter. Well it’s probably a mixture of the two, holy and unholy. I almost had a Twitter meltdown since this was a dragged out affair for the last 6 weeks or so and it was reaching a point of no return. Perhaps it has reached the point of no return.

At the same time, it dawned on me that Easter was fast approaching and how I felt zilch for what Jesus Christ did for me on that cross. I felt empty and unhappy. I felt unfulfilled and sad. I felt hopeless, dejected and rejected. I felt crazy. I felt God-less. What a precarious position to be in!

So after much internal arguing and reasoning, I realised I had to take that drastic step. To draw myself away from Twitter and hopefully, reconnect with God on some level. Both are difficult things to do since I am feeling unfocused and fuzzy.

I have to thank God for coming down to my level every time though… I was thinking at first to quit / fast Twitter 7 days before Easter but I thought maybe it would be best to start now. It is truly difficult. I read a website today that said we shouldn’t give up for Lent but for me, if I don’t fast from Twitter, God’s going to be relegated to a corner. I am not saying that I am now going to be studying His word for the next 11 days. I don’t know if I have the strength and will power to do so. But maybe it will give me more time to reflect on other things besides this delusional character in my head.

Maybe staying away from Twitter will allow me to hear from God.

Today I did the 7 Stations at the Cross at church. Just a few points – I couldn’t concentrate very much even though it tried very hard to be this Easter experience. It was my fault though since I had just made the Twitter announcement and was overwhelmed with my actions. Anyway, the point is, I did feel myself overcome with tears initially but that dried up rather quickly once I started the experience. A few things to note:-

- Jesus Christ knew what Judas was going to do. Judas knew He was going to betray Jesus Christ. Yet Judas still ate the bread and drank from the cup. In other words, Jesus Christ made a covenant with Judas too. In other words, new life had been granted to a traitor. Jesus Christ really gave Himself to everybody

- I read earlier during the day that the guards who arrested Jesus fell down when He said he was who he was. I thought that was interesting because they realised maybe, for a second, He was God.

- When Jesus Christ told Peter to put his sword away and that he had chosen the cup that God the Father had given him, it dawned on me how difficult it was to drink that cup. The cup and sharing it symbolizes a covenant that Jesus accepted willingly. In other words, he wasn’t going to put up a fight. Instead, he was going to accept his fate and suffer on that cross for our sake. Wow.

- Even during all the reflection, I didn’t feel connected and I still thought of other people rather than myself. I thought, “well, I wished this person was doing the 7 stations.. it’d be good for them,” or I was requesting and telling God other things rather than what was at hand.

- The good news however, I was able to drive that imaginary being out of my head and I could focus long enough.

- Pilate didn’t really think Jesus was delusional. If I heard someone claiming however confidently that they were King, I’d think that person was mad.

- If Jesus did all that for me who was I to hold grudges against anybody else? I can forgive but it doesn’t mean I can’t stay away though.

- Jesus was verbally abused and hated on when the crowd and the Jewish leaders wanted to crucify him.

I can’t remember anything else. I’d whip out the booklet where I wrote stuff on but we were made to take out a rock from smelly water and the water touched the booklet so I am not going to it refer to it now. I might get my hands soiled. Bad idea. Plus, it is 2:20am. Time for bed… eep. Hope I didn’t bore you.

The few days before the New Year, I was contemplating over what I wanted and what needed to be changed for the New Year. So many things are beyond my control and my burden is not really for myself but for others.

I have to admit that my walk with Christ has not been the most regular in 2009 but during the moments when I did walk with Him, He would shower me with agape love and tell me that He is there for me. The Spirit would show Himself and would say that He cares and I should have faith. At those times, in my joy, I have faith, trust and love. But it wears off readily enough and the burdens come creeping back when I see others continue in apparent dire hopelessness and negativity. It hurts me and I worry.

So I was thinking what would be a suitable verse for the New Year and Psalm 23 came into mind. The first verse of this Psalm is,

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want (NIV)

It is a popular Psalm and I thought a lot about this first verse. I can’t help but feel that this should be the Psalm for the New Year and perhaps this is what God wants me to know, believe and grasp.

Yes this verse is normally associated with death. The weekend just before my dad passed, he brought back a DVD that my sister had bought for Him entitled, “The Lord is My Shepherd”. We watched it together and although he fell asleep watching it, since it was very boring, it was still the last verse we had paid attention to together. The truth was, it wasn’t planned that we should watch such things. We didn’t know he would pass away a day or two later. But God knew and He wanted us to remember that through it all, He is our Lord and our Saviour.

The 2nd last weekend before my father passed away, we spent the time watching Amazing Grace and Evan Almighty. It had to be the work of the Holy Spirit and the timing of the Lord.

But if you really want to know what the last thing my father watched, it was The Break-Up. Ha ha.

(Edit 04/01/10: I got the weeks mixed up but have changed it already)

It is true, we have all we need like what Psalm 23 says.

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

As I read through it last night as one of the verses for the New Year, it was affirmation from God that what He placed in my heart a couple of days before the New Year is what He wants me to bring into the new year and decade. To God be all the Glory.

New Years Eve, I was called to a friend’s house for a small gathering and to countdown the New Year. To be honest, I was reluctant to go at first but after the night was over, I believe it was Spirit inspired. My friend was telling me all that she had gone through over the year, the people she met, what God had put into her heart and she spoke so much about what essentially our faith should be and what it means to sacrifice our beings to God.

At the time I was thinking this was quite serious for a New Years Eve party but I suppose God had other ideas. Just before I left, it was probably 10 minutes into 2010 when she quoted Philippians 3:8. I spent the 1/2 hour after that relating my burdens to another trusted friend and she did provide some solutions to problems that I feel are dead-ended. I could not help feel that it was God’s timing that got me to say what had been on my heart for months and all in the first hour of 2010!

I arrived home pondering and winding down. The 2nd verse of “So You Would Come” came to mind,

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you’ve done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

I spent some time in prayer and reading Philippians 3:7-21 and Psalm 23.

I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Let all who are spiritually mature agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. But we must hold on to the progress we have already made.

Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example. For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control. – Philippians 3:7-21

It says it all. I really feel that this is what God wants me to hold on to. Or what He wants us to hold on to as we go into 2010. Let us re-focus on Him. Others may falter but who are we to judge?

“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. – Matthew 7:1-5

Find the untagged HQ version of 100% here.

What a beautiful song! 100% was intended for the movie Precious but it never made the cut. But it’s a great song! An uplifting, inspirational song. Mariah Carey at her best. I love the complexity of the harmonies, background vocals and the overall structure of the song. Although it follows a formula, it still contains Mariah Carey’s trademark which makes this song a winner!

Here are the lyrics for 100%:-

Do you like to be defined by limits?
I don’t need no permission to live it
Imma break through the door til I get in
Everything that I got, Imma give it

One hundred percent
And I ain’t stoppin’ until I reach the finish
Imma a believer, not just a dreamer
I’m givin’ everything I got
I’m a go getter 100%, undoubtedly I can reach the top

And I ain’t gonna let nothing discourage or dissuade me
Cause I’m walking out of here a champion either way, baby
I’m giving it 100%
So gonna put your ones up

If you’re putting in a hundred put your ones up, ones up.
If you know that this is something, put your ones up, ones up.
If you really comprehend this put your ones up, your ones up.
If you’re walking into victory keep on shining one hundred percent.

You can only do it if you do it like I did.
Cause’ suffering ain’t easy
But if your can turn your wounds into living proof
That you survived the fight and you’re no longer defined

Do you like to be defined by limits?
I don’t need no permission to live it
Imma break through the door til I get in
Everything that I got, Imma give it

One hundred percent
And I ain’t stoppin’ until I reach the finish
Imma a believer, not just a dreamer
I’m giving everything I got
I’m a go getter 100%, undoubtedly I can reach the top

And I ain’t gonna let nothing discourage or dissuade me
Cause I’m walking out of here a champion either way, baby
I’m giving it 100%
So gonna put your ones up

I’m giving me one hundred perfect
So gonna put your ones up!

If you’re putting in a hundred put your ones up, ones up. (hey, ey, put your ones up)
If you know that this is something, put your ones up, ones up. (everybody)
If you really comprehend this put your ones up, your ones up. (hey, put your ones up)
If you’re walking into victory keep on shining one hundred percent. (one hundred)

(Stop)Don’t you ever
(Stop)Be discouraged
(Stop)Let nobody take your courage
(Stop)If you gon’ pray, don’t worry
(Stop)If you gon’ worry, don’t pray
You just keep the faith and listen to me, heyyyyyy

Put your ones up!

If you’re putting in a hundred put your ones up, ones up.
If you know that this is something, put your ones up, ones up.
If you really comprehend this put your ones up, your ones up. (If your know your worth)
If you’re walking into victory keep on shining one hundred percent. (If you ever worked for something)

Imma a believer, not just a dreamer
I’m giving everything I got
I’m a go getter 100%, undoubtedly I can reach the top

And I ain’t gonna let nothing discourage or dissuade me (nothing, I’m a champion)
Cause I’m walking out of here a champion either the way, baby (Either way)
I gotta give 100%
So gonna put your ones UP

If you’re putting in a hundred put your ones up, ones up.
If you know that this is something, put your ones up, ones up.
If you really comprehend this put your ones up, your ones up.
If you’re walking into victory keep on shining one hundred percent

-Thanks to brunos2mariah who did most of the transcribing. All I did was edit it a bit. What beautiful lyrics!