Happy Father’s Day, Papa!

What a strange few weeks. It is a surreal experience but I am now at the Harvard University campus in Cambridge. I am doing a 7 week summer school course.

I can’t quite get my head around it all still but I am here.

I remember when I first attended university back in 2001, I asked my dad to come along with me. He helped me check in and then we re-arranged his flight schedule so he could leave earlier since there was nothing for him to do after I got into my residential hall. He bought me two peaches and we kind of just chilled around the city. I remember quite clearly the awful taxi driver that took us from the airport to our hotel ‘cos he was smoking with the window open and all the ashes was flying into my face. My dad told him to stop it. That was also the time I had the worst flying experience since my head felt like it was going to explode because of the pressure. My dad didn’t know though. But that morning when we touched down, he made me go do my university ID and I looked a mess since I hadn’t slept and was all puffy eyed and tired from the plane pressure. I had to have that university ID for 3 years.

Now, many years later, I am on a campus again and this time I had to do things myself. I thought of my dad a lot in the past few weeks and what he would have thought if he was around. I think he would have been awfully proud with the idea of me at Harvard University.

I didn’t tell many people about my application to summer school until I was certain I had gotten everything done. I had to do most of the things on my own. If my dad was around, I’m sure he would have helped me get all my visas and stuff.

I decided some time in late March during my Twitter fast to apply. I would like to think it is by divine revelation and God can strike me down if I am wrong but it really feels like it. But then again, God’s name is used in vain so often these days, it is hard to know, right? You should read my previous posts to get an idea of what I mean. I did allude to my application. My head was so clear headed then and I wasn’t distracted.

I got some messages from family who were a bit sad since it was father’s day and all. I understand completely ‘cos my father was in my mind a lot the last few weeks too and I was quite upset I didn’t get to visit him before coming here. I meant to but time didn’t permit.

School properly starts tomorrow. I will update more about that but for now, I want to dedicate this trip to my dad.

I traveled quite a bit in the last month and a half. I went to Jakarta, on a white water rafting trip and Hainan Island.

I am now sick.

I got nasty leech and mosquito bites on my feet from the white water trip. I aggravated them and left scars that will now take forever to heal. After realising that I should not try to weather out the itch, I have been applying Clobet which has helped tremendously.

Aside from physical scars, I am also internally ill. It started from a sore throat that bloomed into a dry cough. I find it hard to breathe at times with chest pains and I can’t really talk because I’ll break out into coughing fits. I am quite glad there is no phlegm because that would be icky but still… some times, my breathing feels so shallow that I need to swallow deep breaths to get rid of that feeling of breathlessness. I feel like I’m wheezing at times too.

Again, after realising that I shouldn’t try to be the hero any longer and that my immune system would not be able to handle this cough, I went to the doctor at the start of this week who suggested that I might have mild bronchitis. Maybe. *shrugs*

I got a host of prescribed medicines – Prednisolone, Clarityne, Ciprobay, Ventolin and Atarax.

Yesterday, after taking the medicines with hot lemon tea which may have been a bad idea, I started to feel the side effects of the drugs. I became jittery, light headed, dizzy and my hands shook. It was evident at lunch when I couldn’t even put a plate of garlic bread down without spilling it all over the table. *sigh*

During one of my coughing fits yesterday, I think I made the same face as my father which to me was quite funny but at the same time painful. Since I had a cough, it would only be natural to think of all he went through and who was I to complain? What I have is so mild in comparison.

When my dad was sick with tuberculosis, he took prednisolone all the time. In fact, we called it ‘the happy drug’. Haha. When my dad took it, he said he felt good.

Anyway, when he had tuberculosis he was in pain, felt breathless, had phlegm, had chills, had fever and through it all be heavily medicated. He had only one lung working at the time (thank God for giving us two!) as the other one had collapsed due to the infection. But he made it through. Some times, I wonder if I might have tuberculosis.

He was a fighter. Less than a year after tuberculosis, he caught bacterial and fungal pneumonia. But that was also because his immune system was weak and he had blood problems. He also survived on one lung during this time.

I remember when my older sister had pneumonia a year or two ago, we were all so grave about it. I guess because it brought back some bad memories.

Yes, being sick brings back memories too. It is now Qing Ming, a time to clean the graves of our dearly departed. For the past few years, every time I read about it in the papers, I think how commercialised it has become. The idea of burning paper maids, cars, laptops and bungalows even, it is ridiculous! My sisters and I didn’t get to visit my dad but it is ok.

My younger sister and I were reminiscing the other day about how we played Scrabble with my dad one time and he got the word ‘MELODY’. We were so impressed that we were shouting and making so much noise because he was so brilliant. It’s like, “who would ever think of that?!” My dad. MELODY is such an obscure word. Hahaha. Anyway…

To Love You More has to be one of the most beautiful songs ever. Makes me want to play the violin like Taro Hakase.

Last night at dinner, I was made fun of for my Twitter hiatus but I’m committed to stick to it, for God’s sake and mine. I am pleased to report too that I was at Bible Study for the second time this year and it was a time of reflection over our last 3 months. What a timely attendance… for me.

I talked a bit about what had been happening and also my decision this week to give something up for Easter. A lot of the people around the table couldn’t quite understand what Twitter was so to them it was all strange but what I had to explain was that it wasn’t Twitter that was the issue. It was my indulgent obsessive and delusional attitudes on Twitter that I knew was driving me into a deep well of insanity that I knew I had the power to stop. It was rearing its ugly head and therefore, although I directed it at certain Twitter pages, it was this monster that I was creating with my mind, this idea that was getting larger than life that had to stop.

In other words, all fingers should be pointed at me. And that is hard to do because how easy would it be for me to point fingers and say it is the fault of others. How I wish I could do that!

Today I thought I could live without Twitter forever like Miley Cyrus.

Yesterday I had withdrawal symptoms and I was made fun of at dinner… with much love and teasing of course. But overall, I know that I can do this. I must do it.

I am not sure whether to convert this blog into a plog or to keep it as a blog. When did blogging become an art form?

Every time I think of my blog I feel the need to tweak or change my theme. It’s a terrible disease. Even as I type, I have at least 10 windows open on new WordPress Themes. I am never happy with my blog because I feel it doesn’t live up to what it should be. What is it exactly? Is it personal? Is it impersonal? I cannot make up my mind. Should I only have serious posts… I don’t know. Not only that but strangely in the past week alone, I have had at least 3 people rocking up to me asking me about my blog or wordpress. Perhaps, it is a sign.

I am writing here because I have done it. It here would be referring to Twitter. Clearly, this was what drew me away from my blog in the first place. I can’t help it though. Twitter is so appealing and addictive with its 140 characters limit. Who knew we could get hooked on short messaging? To the extent that I found blogging tedious and I couldn’t say what I wanted just because I had read posts that said blogs should be like this or that. Not that I can say anything I like on Twitter either. There are eyes out there… EYES!

Anyway, I have decided to stop twittering for the next 11 days. It was a tough decision, one that was painfully hard to make considering how I check it in the morning when I wake up, how I leave it on and refresh it during work and how I come home and see what’s happening right until bedtime. It’s like ripping a vital organ out of me. How am I going to function? Ok, a mere exaggeration…

I haven’t drawn the rules yet but I’m guessing besides not posting on Twitter (although I have left a disclaimer that said I might for important tweets i.e. Mariah Carey’s birthday for example) I will have to decide whether I can log in and check out what’s happening. I should lay it out now…

The Rules for the Next 11 Twitter-Less Days

1. No tweeting unless absolutely necessary (re: MC’s birthday)
2. No logging in to Twitter unless absolutely necessary (re: MC’s birthday)
3. I can check individual Twitter pages (re: @MariahCarey @LindsayLohan)

I can’t think of anymore. Am I missing out on anything? I am thinking I can do this and live without Twitter since I have been on two holidays recently which totaled 8 days without the Internet so what is 11 days, right? Wrong. It will be so difficult because this time I will be here with my face plastered to computer screens 24/7. What am I to do, what am I to do?

What made me decide to give Twitter up for 11 days? Here is the holy answer: As it is the season of Lent, I decided I should try and respect it for the first time in my life. Sure I’ve missed the first 29 days but better late than never, right?

Why you might ask? What brought this on? Have I converted to Catholicism?

No, I haven’t converted to Catholicism. Before I continue, I should clarify that I am not suggesting that I am this holy person. Far from it. When I mentioned my self-imposed hiatus on Twitter, I made it a point not to announce that I will be back “after Easter” with much difficulty. My pride got the better of me when I boasted to one or two friends that they’ll see me “back on Twitter after Easter” though. I was even thinking maybe I should mention April 4, 2010 (Easter Day) but then stopped myself. Told you I couldn’t resist announcing my good deed. Ugh.

Because in all honesty, I consider myself more selfish than humble. I hate myself that over the last few months I have neglected God and my relationship with Him. After all I said at New Years’, I made no effort to draw closer to Him, in fact, I have drifted further. Sinning comes so naturally now that I have difficulty differentiating and knowing whether what I am doing is wrong or right. Not only that, I choose at times to justify my actions. True, there are moments when I shouldn’t feel all guilty but if I loved God I wouldn’t even consider doing it in the first place would I?

But here is the un-holy answer: Twitter produces so much noise. It is distracting yet appealing. Recently however, I think it started some time mid-February, I got myself hooked on someone’s Twitter page. The thing is however, it’s not really their fault unless they led me on which I don’t think they did. I led myself on. We had this moment when something was left unsaid and I made up what might have been said.

So much so that I imagined they were talking to me through their tweets yet I knew at times they were not. It was confusing and it hurt. I thought they liked me. It became this ugly monster and Twitter became scary. It was like a melting pot of emotions every time I logged in. It became a dangerous obsession that I started not to like because I was being delusional. Why? Well, aside from being indirect and vague about everything, I started to sound like a lovesick jealous person on Twitter which would be ok if that person shared the same sentiments. But they don’t because I imagined it. Did I crave this person’s attention? Yes. Did I want them all for myself? Yes. But what I have now is this … based on nothing.

I think I created this being in my mind, one that felt a certain way about me via their Twitter page and I bombarded that image with what I perceived. It was an illusion and a mirage. It wasn’t real. It’s quite a sickening and maddening disease, I must admit. The last few days, I felt quite crazy to the point that I thought if there ever was a rehab clinic I could enter for such psychological madness, I’d like to check myself in immediately. Clearly, I wasn’t liking it.

So here I am using the Lord’s name in vain to justify my leave of absence from Twitter. Well it’s probably a mixture of the two, holy and unholy. I almost had a Twitter meltdown since this was a dragged out affair for the last 6 weeks or so and it was reaching a point of no return. Perhaps it has reached the point of no return.

At the same time, it dawned on me that Easter was fast approaching and how I felt zilch for what Jesus Christ did for me on that cross. I felt empty and unhappy. I felt unfulfilled and sad. I felt hopeless, dejected and rejected. I felt crazy. I felt God-less. What a precarious position to be in!

So after much internal arguing and reasoning, I realised I had to take that drastic step. To draw myself away from Twitter and hopefully, reconnect with God on some level. Both are difficult things to do since I am feeling unfocused and fuzzy.

I have to thank God for coming down to my level every time though… I was thinking at first to quit / fast Twitter 7 days before Easter but I thought maybe it would be best to start now. It is truly difficult. I read a website today that said we shouldn’t give up for Lent but for me, if I don’t fast from Twitter, God’s going to be relegated to a corner. I am not saying that I am now going to be studying His word for the next 11 days. I don’t know if I have the strength and will power to do so. But maybe it will give me more time to reflect on other things besides this delusional character in my head.

Maybe staying away from Twitter will allow me to hear from God.

Today I did the 7 Stations at the Cross at church. Just a few points – I couldn’t concentrate very much even though it tried very hard to be this Easter experience. It was my fault though since I had just made the Twitter announcement and was overwhelmed with my actions. Anyway, the point is, I did feel myself overcome with tears initially but that dried up rather quickly once I started the experience. A few things to note:-

- Jesus Christ knew what Judas was going to do. Judas knew He was going to betray Jesus Christ. Yet Judas still ate the bread and drank from the cup. In other words, Jesus Christ made a covenant with Judas too. In other words, new life had been granted to a traitor. Jesus Christ really gave Himself to everybody

- I read earlier during the day that the guards who arrested Jesus fell down when He said he was who he was. I thought that was interesting because they realised maybe, for a second, He was God.

- When Jesus Christ told Peter to put his sword away and that he had chosen the cup that God the Father had given him, it dawned on me how difficult it was to drink that cup. The cup and sharing it symbolizes a covenant that Jesus accepted willingly. In other words, he wasn’t going to put up a fight. Instead, he was going to accept his fate and suffer on that cross for our sake. Wow.

- Even during all the reflection, I didn’t feel connected and I still thought of other people rather than myself. I thought, “well, I wished this person was doing the 7 stations.. it’d be good for them,” or I was requesting and telling God other things rather than what was at hand.

- The good news however, I was able to drive that imaginary being out of my head and I could focus long enough.

- Pilate didn’t really think Jesus was delusional. If I heard someone claiming however confidently that they were King, I’d think that person was mad.

- If Jesus did all that for me who was I to hold grudges against anybody else? I can forgive but it doesn’t mean I can’t stay away though.

- Jesus was verbally abused and hated on when the crowd and the Jewish leaders wanted to crucify him.

I can’t remember anything else. I’d whip out the booklet where I wrote stuff on but we were made to take out a rock from smelly water and the water touched the booklet so I am not going to it refer to it now. I might get my hands soiled. Bad idea. Plus, it is 2:20am. Time for bed… eep. Hope I didn’t bore you.

Today the office will be celebrating its anniversary. Normally it is done in September but it was postponed till now.

I remember back in September 2007 when I attended the celebration party and I got a text message telling me my father was tired and he wanted to come home. He wanted to stop treatment and how we should respect his decision. I was devastated and my heart fell. It was like I was hit because it was almost like giving up hope. Or facing reality.

It was tough. His birthday was only a week or two prior and during that time, he was already exhausted from the pain and treatment.

So to receive that text message was not out of the blue but it still caught me by surprise. I had to pretend like nothing had happened. I was breaking inside yet I had to chit-chat with people around me.

We did consider our father’s desire and we proceeded to make arrangements for his return to KL. We were getting written referrals and we made requests to the doctors and hospitals to allow my father to continue supportive treatment here. Everything was agreed upon and ready to go but he passed away before he could even do that.

It’s ok though. I chanced upon this article today about end of life talks and this brought back memories. It is tough to talk about such things.

The few days before the New Year, I was contemplating over what I wanted and what needed to be changed for the New Year. So many things are beyond my control and my burden is not really for myself but for others.

I have to admit that my walk with Christ has not been the most regular in 2009 but during the moments when I did walk with Him, He would shower me with agape love and tell me that He is there for me. The Spirit would show Himself and would say that He cares and I should have faith. At those times, in my joy, I have faith, trust and love. But it wears off readily enough and the burdens come creeping back when I see others continue in apparent dire hopelessness and negativity. It hurts me and I worry.

So I was thinking what would be a suitable verse for the New Year and Psalm 23 came into mind. The first verse of this Psalm is,

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want (NIV)

It is a popular Psalm and I thought a lot about this first verse. I can’t help but feel that this should be the Psalm for the New Year and perhaps this is what God wants me to know, believe and grasp.

Yes this verse is normally associated with death. The weekend just before my dad passed, he brought back a DVD that my sister had bought for Him entitled, “The Lord is My Shepherd”. We watched it together and although he fell asleep watching it, since it was very boring, it was still the last verse we had paid attention to together. The truth was, it wasn’t planned that we should watch such things. We didn’t know he would pass away a day or two later. But God knew and He wanted us to remember that through it all, He is our Lord and our Saviour.

The 2nd last weekend before my father passed away, we spent the time watching Amazing Grace and Evan Almighty. It had to be the work of the Holy Spirit and the timing of the Lord.

But if you really want to know what the last thing my father watched, it was The Break-Up. Ha ha.

(Edit 04/01/10: I got the weeks mixed up but have changed it already)

It is true, we have all we need like what Psalm 23 says.

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

As I read through it last night as one of the verses for the New Year, it was affirmation from God that what He placed in my heart a couple of days before the New Year is what He wants me to bring into the new year and decade. To God be all the Glory.

New Years Eve, I was called to a friend’s house for a small gathering and to countdown the New Year. To be honest, I was reluctant to go at first but after the night was over, I believe it was Spirit inspired. My friend was telling me all that she had gone through over the year, the people she met, what God had put into her heart and she spoke so much about what essentially our faith should be and what it means to sacrifice our beings to God.

At the time I was thinking this was quite serious for a New Years Eve party but I suppose God had other ideas. Just before I left, it was probably 10 minutes into 2010 when she quoted Philippians 3:8. I spent the 1/2 hour after that relating my burdens to another trusted friend and she did provide some solutions to problems that I feel are dead-ended. I could not help feel that it was God’s timing that got me to say what had been on my heart for months and all in the first hour of 2010!

I arrived home pondering and winding down. The 2nd verse of “So You Would Come” came to mind,

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you’ve done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

I spent some time in prayer and reading Philippians 3:7-21 and Psalm 23.

I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Let all who are spiritually mature agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. But we must hold on to the progress we have already made.

Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example. For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control. – Philippians 3:7-21

It says it all. I really feel that this is what God wants me to hold on to. Or what He wants us to hold on to as we go into 2010. Let us re-focus on Him. Others may falter but who are we to judge?

“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. – Matthew 7:1-5

Besides Spider Solitaire, a game that is shipped with Windows, my dad got hooked to this. Enjoy!

The lyrics for Jamie Slocum’s ‘Fragile’

The storms of life are surrounding me
They are closing in on every side
And I’m so scared I don’t know where to run
I’m crawling to Your door Jesus
I need a lifeline
Don’t turn me away

Here I am
Lord I need You to rescue me
This pain inside is too much for me
I’m broken and shattered
I need You more than ever
To piece me back together
Handle me with care
‘Cos You know my heart is fragile

I can’t take another sleepless night
I’m weary from the battles I’ve lost
God don’t be far away
I need You to find me
You’re the only one that I can talk to

Here I am
Lord I need You to rescue me
This pain inside is too much for me
I’m broken and shattered
I need You more than ever
So piece me back together
Handle me with care
‘Cos You know my heart is fragile

Here I am
Lord I need You to rescue me
This pain inside is too much for me
I’m broken and shattered
I need You more than ever
To piece me back together
Handle me with care

Here I am
Lord I need You to rescue me (please don’t leave me alone)
This pain inside is too much for me
I’m broken and shattered
I need You more than ever
To piece me back together
Handle me with care

‘Cos You know my heart is fragile
‘Cos You know my heart is fragile

The video for Jamie Slocum’s ‘Fragile’

My thoughts

What a great song! It’s exactly what I’m finding hard to say.

I especially love the line, “I need you more than ever”. The ad libs near the end are also the best. I have added the only audible line which is, “please don’t leave me alone”.

I came across this really beautiful poem a few days ago and was waiting to post this up here. We miss you EVERYDAY!

All Is Well

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul’s Cathedral

I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breathe the moment
Stopped me cold and grabbed me like a thief
I dialed your number but you wouldn’t be there
I knew the whole time but it’s still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice
I just needed to hear your voice

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Though it breaks my heart
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you
But they get lost in the blue
‘Cos there’s no address in the stars

Now I’m driving through the pitch black dark
I’m screaming at the sky
Oh ‘cos it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me all I need is time
Then the morning rolls in
And it hits me again
Light ain’t nothing but a lie

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Though it breaks my heart
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you
But they get lost in the blue
‘Cos there’s no address in the stars

Without you here with me
I don’t know what to do
I’d give anything just to talk to you
Though it breaks my heart
Oh it breaks my heart
All I can do is write these letters to you
But there’s no address in the stars

Although I know Papa is in a good place and I will see him again one day, some times I wish I could talk to him.