I’ve had a few things to deal with over the last few days. Grief that others are dwelling in and I am wondering how to help them. I guess others are more than others. They internalise it and then it becomes all about them. Others ignore it and don’t talk about it at all and you worry because is that even healthy?

Some times they forget it’s grief completely and they just dwell in this state they’ve created. And other times you wonder if it’s the devil playing havoc. I thank God continually for His grace and mercy. I thank Him for a great family and for putting people around us who love us. God is always showing that He cares enough as long as we look out for it.

I’m trying to deal with negativity and infuse it with positivity. I don’t know how to do that because I’m not seen as a very strong link. I reflect a lot on the days before Papa was sick and noticed a trend there already, a trend of restlessness that was evident even before he was sick. In which case, this has been an underlying problem for awhile now.

I am always thinking of how Papa would have reacted and now I understand much better why he acted the way he did. He was a great father – one who never raised his voice at us, one who cared for us and provided what we needed. I guess he was just doing it his style.

When I was younger, I used to get so upset ‘cos I guess I expected him to be a certain way but now I know that I shouldn’t have had expectations. He was a great dad but I saw his flaws and magnified them and it constantly upset me. I couldn’t change it yet I still harped on it. I’m sorry for that. I really am.

But maybe it was ‘cos I loved him so much that I didn’t want him to have all these things and it was almost like something in me knew that he needed to stop it to save himself. Or not. Maybe I was just a nagging daughter.

He used to smoke and I used to get upset and try all means and methods to get him to stop. I was always constantly angry ‘cos he smelt of smoke so it didn’t help. And … maybe something in me knew he shouldn’t be doing it ‘cos it was harmful and he might die from it. I guess I wanted him to stop so he wouldn’t die soon… Or … maybe I was just a nagging daughter.

He was stubborn though and he did try to stop. But i guess it was never easy. I mean, I expected him to stop cold turkey which was just … mean of me. I wish I had a bigger heart to deal with it.

But i am trying and I know I have changed and I want to continue to change. To be more easy going and to learn to accept people and things around me. I want the best for them but I also need to be there for them. And I have to thank God for being my rock. I am glad I have something so strong to lean on. I guess i have to remember that I am not alone when trying to deal with the negativity that other people dwell in. I pray that God will work them out of the pit. ‘Cos only God can. I want to be there to help them.

Amen.

Some times it seems like time has flown by but yet it’s only been a month since I last blogged.

Anyway, our desktop background is now a picture of us 3 daughters with our daddy! My sisters picked it out. I’m not normally quite as … adventurous.

I can safely say that I still miss Papa but this month was a strange month for me having to deal with peoples’ mood swings and temperaments that at times, I wonder how he was able to manage all of us and not scream at us for acting like total b*itches. I mean seriously, a house full of emotional and sensitive women… he had to be quite an amazing man to take us all in and love us unconditionally and really, that’s what made him such a great Papa!

My niece is coming to her 8 month tomorrow and it gets confusing when I mix up their ‘anniversaries’ as Mariah would call such events. I guess it must’ve been God’s plan and I love Him for giving us such a great privilege… I mean, it’s definitely not a coincidence AT ALL. To God be All the Glory!

Some of the pictures of my dad were shuffled around recently and that could have attributed to the strange month for us. I guess maybe the grief is overwhelming or some people feel they are dwelling too much on his memories or on Papa even though he is not around but that’s not true and I did get kind of upset and even now when I think of it, I get this nagging feeling in my chest but I can’t go against how people deal with grief or their own emotional hurts.

But the memories of Papa will always remain through and through.

I will admit that I kind of forgot Papa’s 1 Year 7 Month Anniversary. I remembered it on May 3, 2009. A day late. I thought maybe I should skip this month but I just decided I had a few things to say.

Carmen dreamt of Papa during Qing Ming… it wasn’t scary but it was similar to my dream I had of Papa soon after he passed. He attended his own funeral which according to Carmen a lot of people attended. She tagged alongside him but I don’t think people knew he was there. He gave up his seat for someone and he heard what everybody said about him. Papa was happy in her dream.

Today, someone asked me about Papa and how I seemed ok even though he died. I couldn’t say I was less sad… because that’s not true. I miss Papa a lot. He was my buffer which I never knew I had. I miss how he would ally with us in things and it is true that life is very different with him.

But I can’t change anything. I can’t will him to come back. All I can hope for is that I will see him again and I’m assured in that promise because I know he is with God now. He is in a better place. I also know that God is watching out for us and maybe it’s that security that I have in God, although it falters from time to time, I feel secure in the knowledge that my God is with me and why should I fear or be sad? He is my rock and I place my trust in Him.

I also know that my grief is different. So many times, I have seen God’s hand move in situations that should have been yet I come out rejoicing! I praise God that He is sovereign! I thank God that I am saved! I thank God that my dad was saved! I thank God that my mom is saved! I thank God for all the good things in my life.

Throughout my dad’s illness, we’ve seen God’s hand at work. He’s answered my prayers and although I couldn’t change the circumstances… not that I didn’t pray for miracles to happen but God has a bigger and better plan. I know He is watching out for all of us.

The biggest truth is that we will all die eventually. We will cease to exist on this earth. But we can end up in a better and eternal place. For God bridged that gap through His Son.

I came across this really beautiful poem a few days ago and was waiting to post this up here. We miss you EVERYDAY!

All Is Well

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul’s Cathedral

I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breathe the moment
Stopped me cold and grabbed me like a thief
I dialed your number but you wouldn’t be there
I knew the whole time but it’s still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice
I just needed to hear your voice

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Though it breaks my heart
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you
But they get lost in the blue
‘Cos there’s no address in the stars

Now I’m driving through the pitch black dark
I’m screaming at the sky
Oh ‘cos it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me all I need is time
Then the morning rolls in
And it hits me again
Light ain’t nothing but a lie

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Though it breaks my heart
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you
But they get lost in the blue
‘Cos there’s no address in the stars

Without you here with me
I don’t know what to do
I’d give anything just to talk to you
Though it breaks my heart
Oh it breaks my heart
All I can do is write these letters to you
But there’s no address in the stars

Although I know Papa is in a good place and I will see him again one day, some times I wish I could talk to him.

Last night (i.e. March 10, 2009 morning), I dreamt of Papa.  It was so vivid.  He had come back from somewhere and I saw him as relatively frail in my dream. But he made so much sense.

As we have been having maid issues, Isa got pregnant and I’m sad for her.  Sad that her life became such a mess because of sin. The consequences of sin can be so dire some times and I only wish her the best and can only ask God to help watch and protect her. God, please help her. I know I cannot reach out to her in any way but I know you can. Touch her life. It’s sad and my heart bleeds for how things have to end – that is our relationship and her time in Malaysia. I thought she would go back happy at least. It’s just too sad and traumatic for her.  She said she was gang-raped but we don’t really know for sure because her testimonies don’t seem to match up and we’ve known her to be a liar for the most part. Not only that she seemed relatively ok before she found out she was pregnant. There seems to be an aura of sadness around her these days and she’s a happy and chirpy person normally. I pray for whatever oppression that is on her to leave in Jesus’ name. I pray for happiness to wash over her soul… let her be that innocent girl who came two years ago. . . but she wanted to stay for another year so I’m not sure what is up but God help her that she does not suffer alone.  I hope she clears out her system so that she can be that sweet innocent and kind girl that I know she is. 

After all, she was there with Papa during the last days… she helped ease some of his discomfort. Man… those days some times seem so distant but she has a helpful and kind spirit… and a very people person. I hope she finds a job working with people. We aren’t the friendliest family so I hope she finds a more sociable household or she can work in a hospital or a day care. I hope God you will place her well. I can’t help but feel my heart break for her situation. 

Back to my dream.

As we have been having maid issues, I naturally dreamt of maids… there were 3 huddled in our tiny maid’s room. I went in there and I’m not sure if Isa was there but I remember querying one of the maids about something. In walks my dad in his pyjamas and starts to make light of the situation. He talks about the mattress and makes some joke about it and laughs his cute cackly laugh. He smiles a lot and suddenly the air in the room is a lot happier. I think he gets the answer I was looking for and he tells me when we walk out that some times it’s easier to get answers when things aren’t so serious. I have a lot to learn. Later on, there was motorcycles involved, I think someone was riding up and down the ramp. My dad wanted to polish one of the bikes (Harley Davidson looking) so we gave him a cloth, adjusted a bench for him to sit on and he went about polishing that bike. It was a really nice dream of Papa. 

I’m not sure why I woke up so early today. Around 5 something in the morning. I was really awake. I knew it because I opened my eyes and looked out the window. I’d just had the dream of Papa and because of how real it was, I woke up, I think. Also could be that I was thinking of Isa in the hospital. We hadn’t gone to see her yesterday and I was quite worried about her. I felt bad ‘cos I know how lonely and desolate it can be. All I can do is pray. But God, I hope you will surround her with good people in the next few days. People who won’t harm her or mistreat her anymore. She deserves better. We all do. I’m sorry if I’ve been bad (I know I have) and I’m sorry if I can’t stop being human. Forgive me Father for my weaknesses. I hope you will give Isa a peace of mind and good sleep tonight. Help her rest well. I hope she gets back to Indonesia safe and sound. 

Anyway, thank you Pa for that great time I got to spend with you tonight. It made me so happy. I hope Carmen dreams of you too! And little Olivia. So she knows who her grandpa is!

Yesterday was Fiona’s engagement party. Yesterday was also Alix and Becky’s birthday. It was a fun night. I kind of wished Papa was around. Papa would have been really fun at the tea ceremony.

It is also 2009 now. Starting a new year without Papa.

Yesterday, we celebrated Olivia’s 1st month of being at Alexis. She was adorable and slept through most of it. Throughout the party, I wished Papa was around to be there, to carry Olivia around and be the proud grandfather like I know he would be. I missed him.

Today has been 1 year and 1 month.

I watched 10 Promises to my Dog the other day. I cried so much during the movie because I could relate to the story so well.

A gentle story of a dog who grows up with a girl and how she is always there for her owner. A truly beautiful tale of companionship, of loyalty and of love. The mother dies in the movie and basically uses the dog to teach her daughter life lessons and in a way, it got me thinking why dying people like their children to have pets. Is it because they know when they are not around anymore, the pet will be there?

In August last year, while my father was in Singapore seeking treatment, my sister and I took in a black kitten that we named Blackie from my cousin to foster. He was adorable and I learned where the term scaredy cat came from. He was so jumpy in his first week and when my father came back for the weekend, he was delighted to see the black kitten.

He was teaching us how to take care of it, how we should treat it, how it needs to smell us to get to know us and I thought it a little strange because my dad was telling us such things and even he wanted to get to know the kitten a bit which was quite cool. I thought it a bit strange because he was never quite advised us previously.

However, due to my father’s immune system, we gave back the kitten after two weeks and the next time he came back, he looked around and asked me, “Where’s Blackie?” When we said we had returned him, he looked a bit crestfallen which kind of made me wonder again why he would react that way.

When I watched 10 Promises, I recalled these events and although it had always played on my mind, I never quite thought to write it down until after the movie.

Actually, he was genuinely pleased there was a cat in the house. Maybe he thought it would bring us kids a little bit more joy and happiness. Blackie got quite accustomed to us “kids” and he would sit next to us while we were doing things and ‘protect’ us. The last I heard of him, he had adopted another home.

In 10 Promises, the ending was sweet because at the church they sang, “What a Friend We have in Jesus” which to me is a beautiful hymn and when sung in Japanese, is just as soothing. I wondered why they chose that hymn to sing. I loved that hymn. It was one of Papa’s favourite songs.

Tomorrow is his granddaughter’s 1st month of living.

It was my mistake for not uploading this picture here on the exact 1 year anniversary of my father’s passing. This actually appeared in our local newspaper on October 1, 2008.

October 2, 2008 was a public holiday – end of Ramadan. Yes, my father is most blessed because he keeps giving us public holidays! His birthday is perpetually a public holiday because it is our independence day and now even his anniversary this year, he gave us a public holiday.

I uploaded this on my Facebook on October 2, 2008 rather than here. Silly me.

We visited his grave on his anniversary. It’s so beautiful and serene.

After that, we drove down to Singapore to visit my sister. Basically, we wanted to visit her before she was a due a week later. We arrived around dinner time and had a happy and lively conversation at the table.

We lazed about in the living room after dinner and I was telling my sister’s stomach that we were there and that it was time to come out. I was also playing with her stomach because I hadn’t seen her stomach for a few months and the baby was kicking and moving in her stomach. I was quite fascinated really.

Then, the next morning, I was rudely awakened at 8am by my sister’s incessant alarm clock. Getting quite annoyed, I got up to source where it was coming from and realised it was coming from my sister’s room. I thought it odd the door was open and I walked in only to realise that nobody was there. I turned off the alarm clock and began thinking, “where could they be???” I thought maybe my sister had sent my brother-in-law to work. But my sister can’t drive ‘cos she’s so pregnant. I kept thinking, “could she be at the hospital?!” But I kept ruling it out ‘cos it just cannot be that coincidental.

Just to double check, I asked the maid what time my brother-in-law goes to work normally and she said around 8:30am so I grab my phone to sms my brother-in-law, “where are you?” and he calls back and says, “Your wish came true…we’re at the hospital now” and I got all excited ‘cos I thought she gave birth but she hadn’t.

We waited in the lobby since we were not allowed into the delivery room. Although her labour was 10 hours, it felt like everything happened in the last 10 minutes. There was a lot of drama – my mother just informing my aunty and uncle that my sister was in labour after deliberating whether to inform them or not and five to ten minutes later, my sister gives birth! We were so noisy outside the delivery ward. She gave birth at 3:41pm.

– my niece at a few minutes old!

I want to give you some interesting trivia at this time. My father’s birthday is on 31 August 1949 (31/08/1949). His favourite number has always been 3108 because of this. Or 3 1 8 in that sequence.

My niece weighed 3.18kg and was born on 3 October 2008 (3/10/08).

Could this be a coincidence? Well, it’s too uncanny to be a coincidence really. I believe it is a blessing from God! After all, the whole day while my sister was in labour I kept on exclaiming how it was God’s impeccable timing.

As I’ve always believed, a coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. We didn’t realise the numbers until a few hours later. And as you know, the day before was my father’s first year memorial.

That evening after coming back from the hospital, I was looking at the daily bible verse and it read this,

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, – 1 Peter 1:3 (NIV)

I was stunned speechless. I was also very excited and in awe of God and His immense love for us.

That night, I was looking at my father’s anniversary picture above and re-read the verse I had chosen,

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. – Psalm 30:5 (NKJV)

When I chose that verse at the time, I thought it was very meaningful and poetic. The fact that we are sad because we are missing him but we are also hopeful and happy knowing we have memories to cling on to. Basically, we do not want to weep forever because we have hope in God and the fact that we will see Papa again.

I only included the last part of that verse in the anniversary acknowledgement. But that night, in the dark and just before I was going to sleep, I read the verse again and literally sprang up from my sister’s couch.

God wanted us to know that everything was going to be ok. It was literally a night and a morning that everything happened. Mourning our loss and receiving new life. What an appropriate verse!!

We were so happy that my sister gave birth when we were there. We wouldn’t have wanted to miss a thing. My sister was also glad we were there.

– my sister could still smile and all!

Everything fell into such perfect place. God gave us that opportunity to share this moment. How special is that!

After my sister gave birth, all that came out from my mouth for a couple of hours was, “Wow, God’s impeccable timing. Only God could have planned this.”

God is my hero.

Yesterday on September 1, 2008, most of the clan made it to Papa’s resting place. We went there because our grandparents are moving in with my dad.

We paid homage to them as they were moved out of their old burial place and brought to rest with my dad. They got new urns (shan’t go into the details – it’s quite gory – no really, it is. Trust me) and I think they’ll love their new surroundings.

It’s so peaceful where Papa is and we got to see the latest developments too. There’s now a pavillion for shade and steps to make it easier. It’s not finished yet but landscaping should be done by Papa’s 1st anniversary.

It was so great today. The sun was shining and it was hot. There were lots of flies and a bunch of red ants but nothing too ghastly.

We picked up Pastor Ong Fook today and he did the prayers and sermon bits for Ah Poh and Ah Kung.
It was all in Mandarin so I had no idea what was going on.

When it came to Papa’s time, we laid the headstone and then sang a hymn (In the Sweet By and By) .

Then we sang Happy Birthday to Papa! It was his birthday yesterday! I think he must’ve been beaming in heaven. I could feel his happiness radiate in my heart. He loved his birthday. He used to tell us how one time he woke up before everyone else, sang Happy Birthday to himself and then ate the cake himself and then went back to sleep. His parents were so angry at him the next day. HAHAHA.

Last year, my cousins came down as a group to visit Papa. Yes, I have the best cousins. I remembered they visited Papa at the hospital but I didn’t expect other people to remember but they did… (I private-d my previous post because I felt there were some things that needed to be private-d for now but I wrote about what happened last year)

This year, the whole clan also had a mini celebration (not for his birthday or for Merdeka though but it WAS on his birthday so it kind of counts) – they had steamboat and durian! No real purpose except just to eat. It was really fun.

Today was a great day. Even with all the things going on at Papa’s place, there was still an overall serenity.

We came back and had lunch as a clan which was great too.

I’m REALLY happy I got to be around for today.

I’m leaving for London in 5 hours and so many people asked me why I had not left for London earlier. When I was booking my ticket, I wanted to make sure I was in town for my dad’s birthday. Even if he’s not around anymore, I wanted to be here with my family because I think it would be tragic of me to be travelling on my dad’s birthday when I could have stuck around. It is just unimaginable, in my opinion.

And I am REALLY glad I booked my ticket on the 2nd if not I would have missed today. They only decided to do my grandparents’ transfer about a week ago so this was a last minute event.

I have to thank God for this blessing. I was contemplating how to phrase it. I know I haven’t been the most upright Christian so I wanted to thank my lucky stars but really, it’s not luck – all glory goes to God for his utmost and best timing. Thank you, God.