Happy Father’s Day, Papa!

What a strange few weeks. It is a surreal experience but I am now at the Harvard University campus in Cambridge. I am doing a 7 week summer school course.

I can’t quite get my head around it all still but I am here.

I remember when I first attended university back in 2001, I asked my dad to come along with me. He helped me check in and then we re-arranged his flight schedule so he could leave earlier since there was nothing for him to do after I got into my residential hall. He bought me two peaches and we kind of just chilled around the city. I remember quite clearly the awful taxi driver that took us from the airport to our hotel ‘cos he was smoking with the window open and all the ashes was flying into my face. My dad told him to stop it. That was also the time I had the worst flying experience since my head felt like it was going to explode because of the pressure. My dad didn’t know though. But that morning when we touched down, he made me go do my university ID and I looked a mess since I hadn’t slept and was all puffy eyed and tired from the plane pressure. I had to have that university ID for 3 years.

Now, many years later, I am on a campus again and this time I had to do things myself. I thought of my dad a lot in the past few weeks and what he would have thought if he was around. I think he would have been awfully proud with the idea of me at Harvard University.

I didn’t tell many people about my application to summer school until I was certain I had gotten everything done. I had to do most of the things on my own. If my dad was around, I’m sure he would have helped me get all my visas and stuff.

I decided some time in late March during my Twitter fast to apply. I would like to think it is by divine revelation and God can strike me down if I am wrong but it really feels like it. But then again, God’s name is used in vain so often these days, it is hard to know, right? You should read my previous posts to get an idea of what I mean. I did allude to my application. My head was so clear headed then and I wasn’t distracted.

I got some messages from family who were a bit sad since it was father’s day and all. I understand completely ‘cos my father was in my mind a lot the last few weeks too and I was quite upset I didn’t get to visit him before coming here. I meant to but time didn’t permit.

School properly starts tomorrow. I will update more about that but for now, I want to dedicate this trip to my dad.

I hope to always to remember you, Pa. So often, I wish you were here to experience it with us.

Without you here, things have changed so much. Not sure if it is for good or bad but we know we are under the protection of God’s love. Are you up there cheering us on? You must’ve asked God to protect us, huh? You have left us with an amazing family who have showered us with love. Of course, it is not the same with you being here but I know we will meet again one day.

We threw Mama a surprise birthday party and she was so happy. Your love was there. I know it. Thank you, Pa. I miss you and we all do.

I heard you paid Mama a visit in spirit? Gave her a hug? That was you wasn’t it?

My birthday will be in 3 days and I don’t know what to wish for. Probably that Che Che has a safe delivery and that she gives birth on my birthday… Hee hee…

I have done so many crazy things this year. I can see your cheeky, loving smile in my head. I can feel you teasing me. I know, it’s amazing. I hope you will continue to watch over us.

God has been so good and He has done nothing but shower us with blessing after blessing. We have the best provider, the best heavenly Father… The Holy Spirit is with us. Even through trying times, maddening times… He is with us.

A few weeks ago, I signed up for something. If you were here, I know you would have gladly me encouraged me to go through with it. What should I do? I do believe it is God inspired yet i am a bit fearful. Help. I can imagine you urging me to go. *sigh* I hope I will decide soon.

I traveled quite a bit in the last month and a half. I went to Jakarta, on a white water rafting trip and Hainan Island.

I am now sick.

I got nasty leech and mosquito bites on my feet from the white water trip. I aggravated them and left scars that will now take forever to heal. After realising that I should not try to weather out the itch, I have been applying Clobet which has helped tremendously.

Aside from physical scars, I am also internally ill. It started from a sore throat that bloomed into a dry cough. I find it hard to breathe at times with chest pains and I can’t really talk because I’ll break out into coughing fits. I am quite glad there is no phlegm because that would be icky but still… some times, my breathing feels so shallow that I need to swallow deep breaths to get rid of that feeling of breathlessness. I feel like I’m wheezing at times too.

Again, after realising that I shouldn’t try to be the hero any longer and that my immune system would not be able to handle this cough, I went to the doctor at the start of this week who suggested that I might have mild bronchitis. Maybe. *shrugs*

I got a host of prescribed medicines – Prednisolone, Clarityne, Ciprobay, Ventolin and Atarax.

Yesterday, after taking the medicines with hot lemon tea which may have been a bad idea, I started to feel the side effects of the drugs. I became jittery, light headed, dizzy and my hands shook. It was evident at lunch when I couldn’t even put a plate of garlic bread down without spilling it all over the table. *sigh*

During one of my coughing fits yesterday, I think I made the same face as my father which to me was quite funny but at the same time painful. Since I had a cough, it would only be natural to think of all he went through and who was I to complain? What I have is so mild in comparison.

When my dad was sick with tuberculosis, he took prednisolone all the time. In fact, we called it ‘the happy drug’. Haha. When my dad took it, he said he felt good.

Anyway, when he had tuberculosis he was in pain, felt breathless, had phlegm, had chills, had fever and through it all be heavily medicated. He had only one lung working at the time (thank God for giving us two!) as the other one had collapsed due to the infection. But he made it through. Some times, I wonder if I might have tuberculosis.

He was a fighter. Less than a year after tuberculosis, he caught bacterial and fungal pneumonia. But that was also because his immune system was weak and he had blood problems. He also survived on one lung during this time.

I remember when my older sister had pneumonia a year or two ago, we were all so grave about it. I guess because it brought back some bad memories.

Yes, being sick brings back memories too. It is now Qing Ming, a time to clean the graves of our dearly departed. For the past few years, every time I read about it in the papers, I think how commercialised it has become. The idea of burning paper maids, cars, laptops and bungalows even, it is ridiculous! My sisters and I didn’t get to visit my dad but it is ok.

My younger sister and I were reminiscing the other day about how we played Scrabble with my dad one time and he got the word ‘MELODY’. We were so impressed that we were shouting and making so much noise because he was so brilliant. It’s like, “who would ever think of that?!” My dad. MELODY is such an obscure word. Hahaha. Anyway…

Today the office will be celebrating its anniversary. Normally it is done in September but it was postponed till now.

I remember back in September 2007 when I attended the celebration party and I got a text message telling me my father was tired and he wanted to come home. He wanted to stop treatment and how we should respect his decision. I was devastated and my heart fell. It was like I was hit because it was almost like giving up hope. Or facing reality.

It was tough. His birthday was only a week or two prior and during that time, he was already exhausted from the pain and treatment.

So to receive that text message was not out of the blue but it still caught me by surprise. I had to pretend like nothing had happened. I was breaking inside yet I had to chit-chat with people around me.

We did consider our father’s desire and we proceeded to make arrangements for his return to KL. We were getting written referrals and we made requests to the doctors and hospitals to allow my father to continue supportive treatment here. Everything was agreed upon and ready to go but he passed away before he could even do that.

It’s ok though. I chanced upon this article today about end of life talks and this brought back memories. It is tough to talk about such things.

Besides Spider Solitaire, a game that is shipped with Windows, my dad got hooked to this. Enjoy!

It’s been a trying time for a lot of the people last week. I shall just say that some seemed on the edge of a nervous breakdown but recovered by early this week which is a relief.

I never believe in being manipulative with feelings. I think that is the wrong approach to any situation – to be emotionally manipulative. I try not to be even though I know I sink into that mode some times when I feel cornered but I hope it is something that we admit to and then will to change.

Also, I don’t think people should complain about each other. I wish that never existed. At work, at home, at church and well, just about anywhere. ‘Cos everyone has their faults. We’re not perfect. If we were, we’d be God.

It is unimaginable that it has been two years since Papa passed away but reflecting on things, a lot has changed in the last two years. I bought a dSLR first of all and I’ve toted it to almost all events. I guess memories are all you have left when someone leaves. And how do you store memories but with pictures and video? Even if they are badly taken.

Secondly, we got a daughter, a niece and a granddaughter. She’ll be 1 tomorrow. If that’s not a gift from God then I don’t know what it is. She is quite a bundle of attitude and character, something that I don’t think I’ve noticed from a baby before. The last ‘baby’ I knew intimately was my little sister and well, she was a docile little one.

I’ll always remember the grand exit my father got from this world, the convoy that followed him to where he would be buried, the fact that traffic stopped for him.

I remember my father’s smile, his easy-going nature and his lame jokes. I don’t remember the jokes specifically, just that he made them. I remember how we would sit at dinner and talk about things and that was probably the best time of the day for us as a family – dinner. After all, that was when we gathered together and ate together as a family, something that a lot of families don’t do these days.

My father was a real Chinese dad. He liked Chinese food, talked like a Chinese and just carried himself like one. I suppose that’s not a bad thing since he was after all a Chinese. He used to call me “his little English girl”. I think my little sister was bestowed that title too. We were the ones that like spaghetti and all that.

Before he slept, he would come check on us. Or he would check on us before we slept. And he was always on our side which was pretty cool. He’d back us up if we wanted something.

I remember when I first went to school here, I was in Grade/ Standard 3 and he came to watch me on Sports Day. He was laughing at how I clumsily collided into people while trying to swerve around them. Yes, I am that clumsy.

Fond memories. Forever and ever….

The other day when they I read of Michael Jackson’s homicide, I was thinking of my dad and I can understand the state of Michael Jackson’s mind and how he could have died from taking too much medication in such a short time.

Clearly the stress and the lack of sleep was making him distressed, restless and agitated. When you are in that state and try to sleep, you won’t be able to. And because you can’t you get more upset and aggravated.

So I think that’s what happened with Michael. Clearly he needed the rest and he knew it but he wasn’t getting it ‘cos of the pressure he was under. And it only makes sense why he would need and demand more medication to force him to sleep and when it didn’t work, he needed and demanded more powerful ones and even though the doctor may have been monitoring him, some times you just over-do it and because of the distress the patient is under you take a more liberal approach and forget about the side effects thinking ‘it’ll be ok’… but obviously it was not.

I’m not justifying that Dr. Conrad Murray was right. I’m saying I understand the situation and perhaps, he just got overwhelmed. He was wrong and still had a responsibility to be a good doctor.

I understand the predicament that Michael Jackson may have been under because I had a similar experience with my dad. I was with my father the night before his last birthday (August 30, 2007). I saw my father toss and turn in pain and it increased 10 fold because he wanted to sleep and make it stop but couldn’t. He had just come out of ICU that week and he was still not very well. I will remember that night.

I wanted to take the pain away and if I could, I would have stood in his place. But all I could do was whine to the nurses to get a doctor to prescribe medication. And they hated me for it but I couldn’t help myself. They had prescribed a sleeping pill and/or a painkiller in the beginning but that didn’t work. They couldn’t prescribe another medicine too soon because of my father’s weak state and the fact that there would have been too many drugs in his body. So they just monitored which got me angry.

At the time, seeing my father suffer was even worse. Anything to let him rest. I stayed awake with my dad and he would tell me not to bother the nurses but how could I let them sit nonchalantly outside when he was thrashing in pain? How could I bear it?

Eventually, by early morning when my dad’s doctor had finally come to do his morning rounds, he prescribed morphine as a last resort and because he knew nothing was going to work for my dad. My dad had taken several painkillers and sleeping pills over the night and it didn’t work.

When I saw my dad finally rest, I felt like a burden was lifted. But the danger of morphine and the reason why the doctor did not want to prescribe it at first was because when he had done it before when my dad was in ICU the week before, my father’s blood pressure had dipped so low that my father could have died. His blood pressure was lowered this time too but he rested for a good 12 hours at least.

When he finally woke up at 6 in the evening, he looked so fresh and well-rested that my heart soared even though I hadn’t slept a wink. I was so happy to see my dad smiling so widely. It was his last birthday with us. :’(

My cousins had driven from KL to visit him in Singapore. What a grand gesture of love. I can never thank them enough and I am forever indebted to them for what they’ve done. And I am glad my dad got to see them when he woke up and even then, he asked them how they were! Can you imagine?! My father was amazing.

That night my father sent me home and said he knew I hadn’t slept the night before. And he said he was ok and I could tell. He was the best dad.

So you see, I can kind of understand the kind of atmosphere that Michael Jackson could have experienced in those last hours. Maybe it was like my dad’s experience. Or not. I don’t know but when I read the details of Michael Jackson’s homicide case, that’s what I recalled. Obviously, Dr. Conrad Murray wasn’t responsible enough to not listen to the patient and be the doctor… perhaps. Luckily, bless the nurses and the doctors, they just let me rant and rave and monitored my dad…

Tomorrow my niece will be 11 months. Blessings from heaven.

Papa would have been 60 today. But he’s not here with us. We visited him yesterday at the graveyard yesterday. We just took out the old flowers and put in new ones. They cut the grass so it’s a bit browner than usual.

My uncle asked us if we would have liked to visit Papa together but I didn’t answer my phone in time. I am sad about that. I wished we could have gone with him. Only he will admit it and say he remembers Papa’s birthday and I really appreciate it.

I remember when I first started my blog and earning money off Adsense, it was a thrill just to see any amount of money coming in. It used to be $0.01, $0.02, etc and then one day it was $0.20. I was so ecstatic, I was whooping and jumping up and down and Papa was like, “what are you so happy about?” After I told him he was like, “Cheh, that’s all and you’re so happy?” hahahah…

Anyway, I was reading up about a Pastor my dad knew. This pastor even visited my dad and it turns out that he’s got some scandals about him – things like how he never pays up when contracting work, how he seems to be a false prophet and how he may have left a girl stranded somewhere. The point is, this Pastor RM I shall call him, I remember him. He visited Papa when he was sick. In fact, Papa revered him. The pastor came with his Volvo and he was in a suit and everything. I never paid much attention to him but from what I heard, he had set up a few things in Malaysia.

So I was just telling my mom about him and how he may be a false prophet or whatever and she mentioned that maybe people want to slander him and that could be true but the truth is, you’ll be able to tell a false prophet if you stick close to God.

One of my fears is that my family will lack faith. My fear is that they won’t have a relationship with God. My fear is that they will rely on their own strength to get things done. This is my greatest fear and I should pray for them more but I hardly pray ‘cos … ‘cos even I find it tiresome too. FORGIVE ME, GOD!

I guess this is why we need to keep close to God and know Him personally so that when false prophets come and try to sweep us off our feet, we’ll know that they are wrong and God is right.

The other day I remembered something about Papa – after eating oily food, to get rid of the grease, he would spread the oil from his fingers to his palms and to both hands to make his clean. HAHAH It was horrific! Then my little sister picked up this habit. HAHA. Gross.

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind over the last few weeks. I understand now how Papa was so generous. It’s been rather difficult and it didn’t help that I wasn’t that happy over how people handled things. I can’t do anything though.

I used to wonder about how people reacted when Papa was sick. Of course we were all vulnerable and sensitive then but still, I used to wonder about people who stayed away, maybe ‘cos they couldn’t deal with sick people but to me, I was never frightened. Maybe the only time that my heart skipped a beat was when I saw Papa at ICU the morning he passed away. I got angry at those people but now that Papa’s gone, those feelings aren’t there anymore. And I wonder about that.

But then I think Papa left us with a great family, one that continues to accept us and even more than that, love us more than usual and I think that’s amazing. God is amazing!!! His blessings are bountiful! Thank you God. I mean really, who can ask for more? I know I can’t.

I remember when Papa was alive and he was sick we would be called over for dinner and I thought that was already nice but even though Papa’s not here and it’s been a year plus now, we still get called for dinners. Not only that they actually want to include us in for holidays?! I mean… that’s just nice, y’know? Too nice. I am constantly moved and grateful.

How good is God? Every time I want to write a post about Papa I end up praising God. Is that right?

I hate it when people are negative and not remorseful. I hate it when people complain so much when there is so much more to be thankful for. Of course, it would be five hundred million times better if Papa was around but he’s not and the point is, to accept it. But it hasn’t been that bad. God’s made sure of that. I think some times these people complain and go to the dark side for the sake of it, ‘cos it’s comfortable to complain and be upset. God, please help these people!