In Loving Memory: 1 Year 11 Months

The other day when they I read of Michael Jackson’s homicide, I was thinking of my dad and I can understand the state of Michael Jackson’s mind and how he could have died from taking too much medication in such a short time.

Clearly the stress and the lack of sleep was making him distressed, restless and agitated. When you are in that state and try to sleep, you won’t be able to. And because you can’t you get more upset and aggravated.

So I think that’s what happened with Michael. Clearly he needed the rest and he knew it but he wasn’t getting it ‘cos of the pressure he was under. And it only makes sense why he would need and demand more medication to force him to sleep and when it didn’t work, he needed and demanded more powerful ones and even though the doctor may have been monitoring him, some times you just over-do it and because of the distress the patient is under you take a more liberal approach and forget about the side effects thinking ‘it’ll be ok’… but obviously it was not.

I’m not justifying that Dr. Conrad Murray was right. I’m saying I understand the situation and perhaps, he just got overwhelmed. He was wrong and still had a responsibility to be a good doctor.

I understand the predicament that Michael Jackson may have been under because I had a similar experience with my dad. I was with my father the night before his last birthday (August 30, 2007). I saw my father toss and turn in pain and it increased 10 fold because he wanted to sleep and make it stop but couldn’t. He had just come out of ICU that week and he was still not very well. I will remember that night.

I wanted to take the pain away and if I could, I would have stood in his place. But all I could do was whine to the nurses to get a doctor to prescribe medication. And they hated me for it but I couldn’t help myself. They had prescribed a sleeping pill and/or a painkiller in the beginning but that didn’t work. They couldn’t prescribe another medicine too soon because of my father’s weak state and the fact that there would have been too many drugs in his body. So they just monitored which got me angry.

At the time, seeing my father suffer was even worse. Anything to let him rest. I stayed awake with my dad and he would tell me not to bother the nurses but how could I let them sit nonchalantly outside when he was thrashing in pain? How could I bear it?

Eventually, by early morning when my dad’s doctor had finally come to do his morning rounds, he prescribed morphine as a last resort and because he knew nothing was going to work for my dad. My dad had taken several painkillers and sleeping pills over the night and it didn’t work.

When I saw my dad finally rest, I felt like a burden was lifted. But the danger of morphine and the reason why the doctor did not want to prescribe it at first was because when he had done it before when my dad was in ICU the week before, my father’s blood pressure had dipped so low that my father could have died. His blood pressure was lowered this time too but he rested for a good 12 hours at least.

When he finally woke up at 6 in the evening, he looked so fresh and well-rested that my heart soared even though I hadn’t slept a wink. I was so happy to see my dad smiling so widely. It was his last birthday with us. :’(

My cousins had driven from KL to visit him in Singapore. What a grand gesture of love. I can never thank them enough and I am forever indebted to them for what they’ve done. And I am glad my dad got to see them when he woke up and even then, he asked them how they were! Can you imagine?! My father was amazing.

That night my father sent me home and said he knew I hadn’t slept the night before. And he said he was ok and I could tell. He was the best dad.

So you see, I can kind of understand the kind of atmosphere that Michael Jackson could have experienced in those last hours. Maybe it was like my dad’s experience. Or not. I don’t know but when I read the details of Michael Jackson’s homicide case, that’s what I recalled. Obviously, Dr. Conrad Murray wasn’t responsible enough to not listen to the patient and be the doctor… perhaps. Luckily, bless the nurses and the doctors, they just let me rant and rave and monitored my dad…

Tomorrow my niece will be 11 months. Blessings from heaven.